Shat terd


The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life

THIS is What VAWA brings Us...               

I am dealing with this a load of shame around the
accusation, arrest and conviction of a domestic
violence charge, when it as Emily-my girlfriend at the time, who was hitting me!

I was trying to get out of the apt, but she blocked the only SAFE door with her body. I was trapped in that apt! Held against my will!
I attempted to pass her by running to the bedroom so I could lock the door and get away from her! However, she gave chase and wedged herself between the closing door and doorframe! I let go of the door, GENTLY, and let her in. It was no use fighting her. I continued to pack my things. She lay on the bed boasting how she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.


There I was, jailed and treated as if I was an abuser! My psychiatrist at that time wondered why I was arrested. The arresting officer, Daryl Lee, asked me to appreciate he was only doing his job AND that he knew he was arresting the wrong person. He apologized four times on the way to the station.

Five days I sat in that jail. A free spirit caged. I thought, for all this I could have beat the living hell out of her, like my mother
did me so many times past. Nevertheless, those actions are not who I am. I never did see her again, nor do I want to. In this life the next and a billion more… In Ca, in the wake of OJ, a woman just has to say 'He hit me and men are guilty!' No ifs ands or buts. I proved that in court. Prior to me the testimonial of the 'a victim' who told the judge "She was angry at
her husband because he was out drinking with his
friends and started hitting him and called 911 saying that HE was beating her!' The woman judge refused to allow the testimony entered in record. The 'victim' insisted that she knew that some women say things like that because they are afraid of the boyfriends/husbands. The woman said that she would accept the charges of her wrongdoing.

Then it was my turn. I did not ever speak to this
public defender speaking on my behalf to this judge. However, I said, NO! She was hitting me!
The judge told me to shut up. I said, Okay! I am guilty! The judge said No! You are not getting off that easy!

1) The alleged victim threw every one of my
possessions in the Dumpster at the time of my arrest. ALL my stories and a completed full-length screenplay I was preparing to market!
2) Cameras and picture portfolio! (I was a
3) Important documents like military discharge papers, birth certificate things like that!

However, there I was stripped of simple human dignity as this man inspects my anus in a place I should not be in the first place!
I feel violated! Five days later, I was homeless in San Francisco, the most expensive city in the usa to live in and making less than $400 a week.

I do not hold ALL women accountable for these two
'despots'; however, my prayer for them is they receive abundantly of what they gave me of there own medicine.
I am very sorry I defended the laws of this land that turned its back and deaf ear on me. I feel america is not my home anymore. I feel disowned. Mostly, I feel raped.

The main thing I got out of this was knowing that
justice is blind as some of my past decisions and
assesments of people past. And the scales are tipped in a braced legal game which is making the state a lot of money.

The thing is forgiveness. How do I forgive the rapist who keeps raping and helpless to stop it?! These are people who are not educated enough to admit when they are wrong. I cite Leonard Peltier, as an example. I would like to grow passed this. How can Shattered Men help?

I do not 'believe' in your God, nor do I hold Him
responsible any more than I do John Wayne. Moreover, I respect your beliefs and will act accordingly.

Thank you for reaching out.

In the previous e-mail, I thought I may be too
legnthy, so I didn't even go into the mandatory court appointed couciling for one year, and paying a fine I couldn't afford. M*O*V*E (Men Against ViolencE)'s 'councilor's' were
telling me how much of an abuser I was, by
stereo-typing all of the men in the group. How
thankful we should be that we are not in jail. I was Guilty as charged! Proof being, my being in their program! I felt Raped all over again!
Remember this?: "What we've got here is a failure to communicate." According to them, I was guilty as charged! & I was in denial. So, I had to 'stuff it' as they say. They weren't hearing anything I had to say, like the judge, Emilie, my mom, too from when I was a kid. Lucky, for everyone involved, Carl & India ended up
being the facilitators of the group I was in. I would have pointed out their hypocricy by the incident, with glee in my heart and a smile on my face! India ended up quitting. She stated her reason for departure being the disrespectful, less than dignified ways M*O*V*E treats it's paying client's. What, prey tell, is it
called when the 'good guys' are acting like the bad? And by their own definition. Once, I posted a messsage on M*O*V*E*'s message board
offering a support group for those who feel abused by M*O*V*E. They were none to pleased.

And including my fine, I had to pay money for this?! In the end, I was curious; why I made the least amount of money, yet, I paid the highest fee? $40 a week. And there was a doctor in the group, who was not searching for his next meal, he paid $25 a week.

I feel I have been viciosly raped repeatedly by the laws of this country I once swore to defend, against all enemies forign & domestic.
How do I take seriously the authorities who defines "The Abuser" then acts it out, in denial? If it takes two to fight, how come only one person gets arrested? How does one look upon their rapist(s) with honor and respect? or does that even matter at all? How do I forgive the violators who have taken so much?
More than that, how do I survive (feel good about) the injustice or myself?

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