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The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life


Truly's  Story

Now playing... Give Thanks

I do give thanks to an Almighty God that Shattered Men does help Shattered Women also.  Most places that assist battered women all but deny battered men exist.  I have seen many ministries that will not reach out to hurting men. even when they ask for help.  THEY will have to answer to GOD for this.  I have found early in this ministry that God wants men and women to work TOGETHER to help in this healing process.  Stories like Truly's help men to see that women are deeply hurting.  This ministry helps women to see that men are. hurting much more and in far greater numbers then feminist tell them.  Most of all, it has helped exposed satan's LIE that neither gender is superior, or inferior to the other.  It shows abuse is NOT normal and it allows real healing to begin.

Thank you Truly for being transparent and writing your story and allowing it to be posted here.


 

We didn't know it back then but my mother was suffering from paranoid scizophrenia..and I was the object of her paranoia and mistrust, so she didn't just hate me after all!! I endured the abuse verbally from her since I was 8 years old.. and once I hit puberty,,the accusations began to change to sexual slurs about being a slut..I grew up in total fear of my mother..my father only once intervened for me, but she brushed him aside to continue her assault against me,that had been in my childhood though..Then as a teenager I was left to face the torment alone..I understand now though that my dad was probably just overwhelmed with my mum and didn't know how to cope with her so had just opted for fishing trips and sitting in the garden..I never saw any physical affection between them, and never did they touch me...If I cried my dad just didn't know what to do,, and my mother would just say that the tears were because I was guilty!! Then I found a birth card which basically said dad had been disappointed that I was born female.. he had wanted a son.. I think that my mum felt she had let him down in birthing a daughter too..My dad was the kindest and most generous of men, and spent much of his spare time with me when i was a child. unlike mum who was too busy, anyway as far away from her was best for me.. I adored my father, but I grew out of total fear of, into total hatred for my mum..and at 14 as the sexual slurs intensified, even if i so much as spoke to a boy I was in for it..the anger began to surface.. but it was all in defence of my character, shouting to be heard, to be seen and to be known,, The insults and abuse and accusations were all so unjust.. as if my mother had an impression of who she thought i was and that was who she related to ,,not me.. and my dad continued to just sit it out until my shouts caused him one day , for the first time ever. to beat me,, and he did so severly i just was in a heap against the kitchen wall with mum screaming for him to stop.. I think that was the day my world died,, He had never protected me, nor defended me, nor had he upheld my honour as my mother stripped away my dignity.. and then because I retaliated, he beat me up..How out of character of my father..maybe he could silence me, whereas he couldn't silence mum and his frustration just got the better of him.. I don't know.. but it wasn't like my dad to behave that way and nor did he ever again, but like everything else, it was never spoken off again, oh so must went unsaid in my home, although we often laughed and there were really happy times when mum was in her right mind.. or until a boy came along and that would start an episode off.. to cut a story short,, the outcome for me was a fear of authority, on leaving school I couldnt cope with the big world.. I was way too insecure, timid, and I hated being a girl..I didn't have a clue who I was or what I could do..so I just wanted to escape out of mums reach..by 18 I was hitch-hiking wherever the wind would take me, I had been sexually abused twice, was in the grips of some compulsive eating thing through this, and was high on drugs, wearing floor length skirts, baggy jumpers and wearing my hair long over my face..by the time I was 24 I was a single parent.. I had no qualifications, no prospects and was living back at home.. I was stuck and I gave up really on life..During this time I had become a christian but as i smoked cigarrettes I was made to feel unacceptable to the church so didnt' bother going back for continual critism there, I got enough of that at home,,plus I couldnt relate to a God who loved me..?? loved me? Why?? plus he was a Father,, what was the point..he would leave me unprotected and vunerable, undefended and look the other way.. I couldn't trust God ..
the long and short of it really being told that sex was dirty and that I was dirty =being a female is dirty..being so unnormally unreactive and passive made me easy pickings for any male who came my way, any abilty to protect and defend myself had never formulated, I was like a child in a woman's body..my only objective was to be overweight so that men wouldn't find me attractive..plus mum despised woman who were slim, she saw them as whores..so being overweight would also help me with her too ..so I had a child and had never had a loving sexual relationship , that doesn't help one to esteem oneself either, I was in turmoil inside ..I despissed my father for being beaten down by my mum and leaving me to face the war alone, I despised my mother for being cold and cruel and I despised myself for being a woman..then one day something snapped inside me,, I had made friends with a man, and something he had said made me realise for the first time that sex was on the menu, not being able to say no to him was my dilemma.. (sounds so pathetic doesn't it) so I just decided I wasn't going to be the victim anymore and became the perpetrator and abuser instead.. I could never forgive myself for that decission, always beating myself up for not saying no to the sexual encounter.. but the fact is I just couldnt ..so this was to me the only solution,,what really annoyed me is that my degradatory sexual exploits filled him with much joy and he didn't leave dispising his male form.. how disappointing for me!! So I hated myself more and men more too.. But this new era I had born took me further and further into perversion and domination..I began to find domination and abuse exciting..especially the abuse, after all it was all i knew and understood.. I still felt like a little girl inside though waiting for someone to come and find me and rescue me.. for numerous years I cared for my mother, we all lived together because I couldn't cope with my daughter alone.. not that she was a problem, just that I was so emotionally scarred I coudln't take the sole responsibility for her and after my dad died 10 years ago my mother began to get sick physically,, so I became her sole carer and she became totally dependant on me for her needs, locked together in hatred and despising..Even though she got diagnosed and started medication, the episodes would still appear and the emotions would surface.. of all the bad things i had done in my life..well she never could understand even when i tried to explain to her..because she doesn't remember the psychotic episodes she felt I was just lying about her.. oh sooo hard people.., well during those years God did begin to work and change and those years were probably a blessing in disguise as they kept me home and out of the way of too many problems and being hemmed in He was able to begin sorting things out for us all.. But I do think, the root problem for me was that my dad didn't protect me or defend me against my mum.. and I only just realized this in the last few weeks. so thank you Ken,, this has changed my perspective and helped me to see what occurred and why.. and it has helped me to see that my mum was really sick and she needed help, and so did I and my dad was the one who really should have done something for both of us.. before he got so overwhelmed himself by it all....So men, defend and protect your daughters it's so vitally important..God bless you all, this has really helped me to write this.. thank you for the opportunity. Truly


O you afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you, I will set your stones in fair colours and lay your foundations with sapphires, and I will make your windows and pinnacles of sparkling rubies and your gates of shining carbuncles and all your walls of your enclosures of precious stones.
Isaiah 54:11-12
Thankfully our Father restores to us what the locust has devoured.. systematically eaten away from us.. how exciting..

 

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