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The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life


Ron's Story

The story below is very common in our society today.  Not only are we getting many more inquires in Shattered Men for this, I have noticed many other sites for men have been getting them too...and they are not the same people.  The name was changed to protect those being abused from their abusers finding out that help is being sought. The bold is my emphasizes in some of this story.  My reply to this mother is below also.

ken

My son (middle 20's) been married 6 years. My husband and I have
always suspected that she was verbally and physically abusing him.
It was confirmed one night while caring for my 6 yr old
granddaughter. She told me this: I don't like it when my mommy hits
my daddy. I asked her if mommy does it in front of her and her
answer is: Yes I have seen it and asked her to stop, daddy will ask
her so nicely to please stop but she punches him over and over
again.
I don't know why mommy keeps doing it cause daddy isn't doing
anything at all and she just starts doing it. Daddy tells me to go
up stairs as soon as mommy starts hitting him.


I cannot sit back anymore knowing that my son is being abused. I
don't understand why he puts up with it. My husband and I think it is
because their neighbor called the police one night when they were
arguing a few years ago. When we asked the police what happened he
said it is routine that the man is taken away.


Now we feel he thinks he will be taken away again if he calls the
police on her. He also was ordered by the judge to go to anger
management class. Why doesn't judges make both partners go? If there
is yelling going on by both husband/wife then both should be ordered
to go. So now she has the upper hand and we think she is telling
him she will say she is just defending herself from him if he calls
the police about her abuse..
She is beginning to be mouthy to him around us "his parents". She
has complete control
when we are allowed to see him or our
granddaughters.


How can I bring up the subject with our son about this abuse? We
have seen numerous bruises on his body and once he needed medical
attention but refused to go. He comes up with the same excuses
my sister came up with when she was being physically abused years
ago by her husband, I also have had a friend in the past that made up the same excuses when she was in an abusive relationship.


What options can we give our son to stop this abuse? We also know
his wife is having an affair as my granddaughter told us while daddy
was at work she has a man friend over but that mommy says he is just
a friend even though they are hugging each other (the man friend and
daughter in law) She goes out every weekend and our son says he
doesn't know where. She doesn't come home till the next day.
Sometimes she shows up with wads of money.


Can someone give me some advice how to help my son?
Thank You


 

My reply:

I do want to welcome you to Shattered Men although I would do
anything humanly possible to have this ministry not be needed. I
also applaud you for doing what you can to help your son.

First document everything. Keep the dates, time and what was
happening at the time.

Take pictures of the injuries so there is no doubt about them being
real. If you can, use a small tape recorder or camcorder to catch
her in the act. Certainly if there are witnesses, call the police
(might need to be careful in this area since some departments arrest
the man when called)

I also strongly suggest taking out an order of protection to keep
your daughter in law away from your son and the children. If they
were left in her care, it may be a short time before she is abusing
them to this extent also.

During this time, tell her that if she wants this relationship to
work...she MUST get help. This help needs to be from Biblical
counseling and not some standard domestic violence "anger management
class" since most of these type of classes are from a radical
feminist point of view. They will often find ways to excuse her
behavior and blame your son.

This is important to do as soon as possible because at some point
either your son will be seriously injured with possible life
threatening results, or he will strike back and that is when women
do get seriously injured in domestic violence.

What you have said truly does show that abuse is not a gender
issue....it is a human issue. It also shows that women too learn it
from their parents.

 I would like to add this (minus your name and address) to our
web site and to post it in SM because it does show what we have been
saying for the past 5 years. I am also sure you will get more
suggestions and certainly prayer support.

We do have several things on our web site that may help. 
part of the problem is that our society denies there are abused men
so your son's wife may deny that she is abusing your son. The
comments about being unemployed IS verbal and mental abuse.

You can also call the local domestic violence shelter and explain
what is happening (do so from a gender neutral view to start to let
them commit themselves that it is abuse and that they do need help.
Then let them know it is your son that is being abused. If they
refuse to help or tell where he can get help we have cause for legal
action.



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