The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
Now Playing: What a Friend for He is
the friend that will never leave us
Patty and I did not start off on too good a footing. You see, abuse shatters everyone it touches. Those that have been abused often feel rejected and unloved. I praise God that Patty found....A Love Worth Finding.
|As you read
Patty's Story, You will note the horrible abuse she suffered ...yet...because of JESUS....we can come together much as the picture
to the right and serve our LORD...TOGETHER.
You will also find a story about searching for love in all the wrong places. My friend, there is only one source of love. Jesus Christ.
The best way to get rid of an enemy...is to make them your friend. JESUS is doing that in Shattered Men. for God never intended men and women to be enemies but to work together to glorify HIM
My friend, ONLY JESUS can do that...come to Him
I'll never forget that day in 1991. It was February 28th, and i sat at a table in Wasilla McDonalds listening to the words of A boy I hardly knew.
" Here's the deal" Wil said, "You come with me right now or forget it, I don't want to ever see you again. Before you decide i must tell you... I'm into Drugs and Alcohol, and lots of pretty girls like you!"
My mind had drifted back to years ago when My father had became angry with me. I stood there listening to him explain " I don't have a little Girl named Patty any more! Go away little girl. Go find your family." He turned me out into the winter night air, 7 years old and alone. I'm not sure how far I walked or when I got home again. I just remember thinking no one would ever love me.
I snapped out of it in time to see what I thought to be my last chance walking towards the door. I ran out to join Wil in his truck, and we drove away to a unknown life that awaited me. I was so afraid but more afraid of rejection!
We made our way to Wil's Apartment, and as we entered the living room a strong smoke filled the air. He introduced me to the people who sat around the room, and I smiled shyly at each of them. They offered me a beer that I politely refused and we headed to Wil's room so we could be alone.
I nervously stood by the window uncertain about this situation I was in and he came over to Hug me. I stiffened as he kissed me.
My mind went back to that dreadful day that dad had said it was ok , and his job to teach me, as he directed my attention to the bible story of Lot and his daughters, Saying it was God's way of saying daddy is supposed to teach me these things. Then He Raped Me. I was so Mad! I felt betrayed by My father, and By God. Did God really hate Girls this much.
I came back to the present To find Wil watching me. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"I never kissed a boy before!" I whispered.
He smiled and said "there are a lot of things you never did that you'll do tonight."
Someone knocked on the door and I was saved from the conversation.
A week later I received a phone call. My father was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. I went to see him and cried for hours as he begged me to come home. But I knew that I could not go back to that.
My family blamed me for the stroke and I blamed myself as well. That night I tried Alcahole for the 1st time and was talked into drugs.
I Walked threw a glass screen door leaving it shattered in peaces. Wil ran out and held me as I cried repeating over and Over..." My daddy is dying and its all my fault"
The next few Months was spent in a blur. Drugs, Alcohol, and everything i had never intended on doing. My desire to be loved was greater than my desire to do what i knew was right.
Then One afternoon a bunch of us piled into the Suburban and we went to the bank. Wil instructed the driver to park where they could make a quick get away. It wasn't until later that I found out they had stolen someone's check book and took over a thousand out of the account. That is when I knew I had to get out.
Wil came up to me that night and told me he intended to marry me. "Why?" I asked. I knew Love was not in his heart for me which he reluctantly admitted ."I think your Pregnant!" he said. "If I am, I will not marry you. I love you but I know you don't love me. That wouldn't be fair to you ,me, or a child!" He agreed and after he went to sleep I cried bitterly like I'd done for our entire relationship. I felt so alone!
The next day I called my best friend AJ and he took me to the doctor for a blood test. I told AJ about all that life was dealing me and he grabbed my hand. "If you were mine, I wouldn't treat you like that" AJ said.
I looked up at him and seen a sincerity in his face. I was sure his words were true, but my heart belonged to Wil! One night I law awake waiting for Wil to return from a Bar. I had stayed home because I was not yet old enough to go along. It was 3am when he came into the apartment. He came in and sat on the bed next to me.
"My sister wants me to go to a party at her house this week end" He said. " She said to bring a date" "Great!" "Patty what if I took someone else?" he asked. "You would be upset wouldn't you. I mean its not like we are boy friend/Girl friend,"
"Then what are we?" I asked softly the bit my lip to hide the pain. He said we weren't anything and quickly left the room. I locked the door behind him so I could cry alone. Then I began to pray for the 1st time since my grandpa had died 9 months earlier.
" Lord why can't anyone Love me? Am I destined to be alone forever? I just want to be happy and make someone happy! What is wrong with me?"
I got dressed and walked to Burger King knocked on the door and the manager let me in. She sat and talked to me as I spilled out the story and held me as I cried. Mayble was my friend and also my boss. She taught me and cared for me when all seemed lost. I'll never forget her kindness.
that after noon I saw AJ at the local super market with his 2 children. He glared at me and I lost it. "I'm tired of attitudes" I snapped and started to walk away from him. After all who did he think he was looking at me like I was trash.
AJ's little 18 month old girl grabbed my leg and started crying cause I was trying to leave. I reached down and picked the little sweet china doll up and she smiled at me. "Lets go out to dinner and talk" AJ suggested. So we piled into his car and headed to a restaurant. The Children Laughed and Smiled as I played with their toes and teased them the entire drive.
At dinner Aj tried too keep control of the children while Little Erica ran all over the place and Jason threw French fries at me. AJ was so embarrassed but I was having great fun. The Children brought a new kind of joy to me that day. So sweet and loving, with no hidden motives or rejection. Their Love was pure!
A few days later I began working at a friends house as a nanny. The little girl was named Emily, 4 years old and very sweet. I took her to church often and we loved to learn and play together. I felt very at home there.
AJ and I started seeing each other every week end. soon he became the love of my life! I thought he was everything i was looking for. Charming, Kind, and very loving! We could no longer stand being apart so I quit my nanny job and moved in with AJ.
It didn't take long to realize that he was not all he said he was. I received a phone call from his wife who told me she was pregnant with his child. (I had been told he was divorced already.)
When I confronted AJ he became angry and blamed his wife for the problem. Then he treated me like I did not exist, yelled at me "Get Out of my life," I became very afraid because I had already lost everyone in my life. He was all I had to hold on too!
By this time I was so desperate to be loved, I desided I would endure anything to be loved. I cried and clung to AJ as I begged him to Love me! For weeks he remained distant and angry! Finally I decided to go ahead and leave, but the day I did, he pulled me into his arms and said "I'm going to marry you as soon as me and Letta divorce."
Joy filled my heart and I stayed. As the months went by things got worse. I became a trophy to be showed of and discarded. I felt so alone and began taking Tylenol by the handfuls and stopped eating. I became so sick I could no longer lift my hands up to reach into the kitchen cupboards. AJ yelled at me for sleeping all the time, and when I thought things couldn't get worse they did. He moved his wife into our home! I was confused and betrayed!
" AJ you must choose between me and Letta. This is not right for any of us!"
AJ accused me of trying to make him choose between me and his kids and started yelling and pushing me around. I ran down the hall way, and into my room. AJ came at me and I threw a lamp at him It hit the floor and shattered.
AJ reached down and picked up a peace of broken glass, grabbed me and pushed me on the bed. I cried as he put the edge of that glass to my neck and yelled "SHUT UP!"
In October I took a trip to visit my uncle in Missouri, and was gone a month. During that time Letta had her baby..a little girl!
I was very mixed up about everything and my uncle begged me to stay with them. But I knew I couldn't
Each time I looked at my uncle I saw my Father. The same hair, eyes smile and walk. They were so much alike.
Each night I had nightmares about Dad pulling guns on mom and raping me, or trying to make me touch him. I woke up many times yelling out. Finally my vacation was over and I went back home to AJ and all the confusion.
It wasn't long until I became pregnant with AJ's child. I was so exited but AJ started cussing and became outraged. I hid in my room to cry alone as I listened to AJ and Letta discussed what to do.
"Abortion!!!"Letta had said!
I began packing. no way was anyone going to talk me into that! My baby was all I had now.
I walked into the living room with my bag and coat ready to leave. AJ grabbed me and forced me back into the bed room. I cried as he pinned me to the bed and forced himself on me, calling me names. After he fell asleep I went into the bathroom and slit my wrists with a knife, praying that this would be the day I died.
Then I remembered my Baby! I quickly got a towel out of the linen closet and rapped my wrists until the bleeding stopped. Bandaged myself up and begain trying to figure out what to do.I knew That I must survive for my babies sake.
By February 28 (one year after I'd ran off with Will) I was very sick from pregnancy. The fighting in the house got bad, and some how Letta and I began confiding in each other for comfort and hope.
She warned me to get away from AJ! "It will get worse!" she said but I didn't listen. I had to make him love me. Is not I am worth nothing.
Night after night I stayed in my room listening to AJ and his friends party in the living room while Letta went out with friends. I stayed in my room with all 3 children playing and teaching them songs and games. The Children became my greatest joy and gave me hope in this cruel life.
One night AJ became angry again and knocked me against the wall in my room, he pushed me down and put his knee in my stomach. Panic stricken I tried to get away from him, feeling the baby moving as he applied pressure. One of his drinking buddies came in and pulled him off of me. I went to the hospital a few days later, and was placed in bed rest, dilated at 1 Cm. and only 3 months along.
The next several months were spent in Bed in fear of loosing my baby. I learned to pray and tried to believe during that time while the parties and drugs continued to go on around me. I felt so alone and my unborn child became my only friend.
Finally on August 30th I went to the delivery room and after a short 7 hours I looked into the biggest bluest eyes I'd ever seen. My sweet little baby boy weighed 6 lb. 7 oz and became my greatest joy. Finally someone who would never stop loving me! My heart sang for joy!
I named my little bundle of joy Justin Dallas and he became the center of my world. He was everything I never knew I could ever have, yet the pure delight of Love I'd been seeking. I threw all my energy into caring for and loving this precious little child.
I held Justin without once putting him down for 3 weeks, bathing with him, sleeping with him and cradling him in my arm as I went about doing my every day chores. Each moment was spent talking to and admiring my child. I knew that no matter what happened now..no one could take my love from me. He became my very breath and heart beat.
when Justin was 3 days old i had called up my old teacher at Mat Sue correspondence school and asked "Mr Axmaker, what do I need to graduate from high school" He was very surprised because I had dropped out of school a year and a half earlier. 3 weeks later I held my son in one hand and diploma in the other. I told Justin, " Now you can never use me as an excuse not to finish school my sweet little pumpkin." He nuzzled closer and went to sleep!
One day the police showed up at the house with papers for Aj. Letta had filed a restraining order against him and taken their kid's things out of the house. Aj collapsed on the kitchen floor shattered. I tried to comfort him with no success. Then I watched as Aj began doing drug's and drinking more heavily than before.
As the weeks and months went by, the anger and hurt got worse in our home and Aj took much of it out on me. He often said he was going to take off in the night and disappear, and he was taking baby Justin with him.
I cried and hid in closets a lot back then, holding my younger baby in my arms. Boozed up and shattered I felt so very alone and stuck in a place I hated. I so desperately wanted out but was afraid too leave, so I stayed!
When Justin was about 3 months old I began a search for something more in my life. I needed so much to have peace that I began looking for God. soon I was having Bible studies in my home with many different beliefs in the hopes of finding the right church.
Jehovah witnesses, Mormons, 7 day Adventist and Baptist bible studies, one each night I studied earnestly in search of something. Each claimed to have truth and as I studied I became more and more confused.
Aj continued to get out of hand with all his partying and one by one he chased the teachers away. "It's me or God" he would yell, and I quietly went to my room, running from anything that caused him upset.
I sank into myself once again, and began devoting myself to Justin and trying to please Aj. This became harder and harder, for each time I tried to do anything I enjoyed he became upset.
One day he told me I spent too much time mothering Justin and he wished I could give him attention like I used too before the baby. Then he mentioned that I had gotten overweight too, so I began starving myself. He had often said looks were everything and if I gained weight he would leave me. I felt so bad about myself by this point I didn't know how to act or what to do. I muddled threw life in a depressed state for so long.
When Justin was 9 months old I helped AJ plain a kid snatching and we went and took Jason Erica and Morgan from their baby sitter while their mom was away. a few days later I had gotten them all into counseling and Aj received temporary custody. The kids had been abused by Letta's dad both sexually and physically.
Suddenly I became mom too 4 children under 6 years of age. Aj stayed away from home a lot and I did my best to care for them. I rapped my world around each of them and taught them how to play and laugh and that life could be fun. We danced in the rain and picked flowers. My life became good for a while.
on July 6th 1994 Aj and Letta's divorce was finalized and Aj received sole custody of the children. (no one knew about his abuse but me) July 7th Aj and I were married outside a friends house on a western bridge. I thought my life was finally complete!
After the wedding things quickly got worse. I had convinced myself that if I loved him enough and we were married then things would get better. They did not.
On our honeymoon Aj informed me that he had only married me because the kids needed a mother and I seemed willing to play the part. I was shattered but hid my pain! Then I decided that he would love me in time, and it didn't really matter anyway. After all who was I to ask for more.
A month later I discovered yet another child was on the way. Aj was delighted and we began preparing for her arrival. We sold our trailer and moved into a 3 bed room duplex. I was placed into bed rest in the 1st trimester and became very sick. I cried constantly, depressed and lonely. Aj was never home and I tried to care for all 4 children 3 of which were still toddlers.
By the time my second trimester came along Aj had decided to move yet again, and we moved to a 3 bed room apartment in town. There were 3 sections to the building 8 apartments each and no place for the children to play outdoors. I mourned and fell into a deeper depression.
2 months later now 8 months along and still in bed rest, we moved this time into a very nice house with room for everyone. Unpacking and preparing our new home got to be too much for me. I went into labor a week after moving and found myself blessed with a beautiful little girl, 4 lb's 15 oz's . We named her Ashley Kay and she became a renewed joy to me.
The abuse continued to get bad in my marriage and I continued to fall into depression. I tried to work but AJ made me quit because he was afraid I'd meat someone else. I isolated myself, and turned to drinking as a way out. I woke up and began drinking at breakfast, and continued throughout the day.
Then one day we met Tommy, who quickly became a dear friend to me. He told me about Jesus and I started attending Church, until Aj got upset. "You can't take the kids there" he would say, so I went alone. "Your neglecting the Kids going off like that" he announced, so I stopped Going.
One Day Aj got so mad that he started throwing me against walls and I woke up in a pool of blood, broken teeth, and bruises. I heard him say "Where is your God now?''
This wasn't the end of the abuse, and I sank into myself so that no one could reach me. Suicide became my most sought after dream, and only hope of escape.
i can't say anymore. this covers until 1998. only adult years.
(please click above to vote for this site)
JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month