The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
No Help From the Church!
I received this in my e-mail today from a member of Shattered Men. The names have been removed because of his position but this person knows what churches should be like. I have contacted dozens of churches and ministries who believe only women are abused. Most of these churches and ministries do not want to know the truth. This is yet another example of this. This person set this to the Drew Marshall Talk Show.
PLEASE KNOW...that this man left this denomination which at least partially caused his divorce. He then began attending a well known "seeker friendly" church which he noticed had a program for "abused women". He talked to the pastor and said: "I see you have a program for abused women. Do you have one for abused men also?" Shortly thereafter, he received a letter from the churches attorneys warn in that he was NOT eligible for church membership nor should he contact the church office about this. He received a second letter stating that if he stepped in church property, he would be arrested! I do have a copy of each of these letters. I do not want to mislead anyone so I need to tell you that not all of this was a result of that question, still, it does show that although many churches do have programs for abused women, few have any help for abused men.
There are many churches that will not address any abuse by the church or the members of the church. It is almost as if it is out of sight, it does not exist but my friend, the only way we can break strongholds, is to expose it to the Word of GOD!
The Drew Marshall Talk
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Show asked this question:
2/ The church has gained a reputation for
secretly hiding spousal abuse quite well!
Have you ever been a victim of abuse by your spouse?
Do you know of anyone within your church who is currently
being abused by their spouse?
NO MORE SECRETS!
I was a victim of spousal abuse from 1984, when our son was a year old until 2004 when the last of the legal actions ended between us.
During that time our children were also being abused by their mother.
The following true story can be verified with medical records, police reports, court records, etc. but it is highly abbreviated. I have intentionally not mentioned the name of the denomination involved.
If you want to know, call me on the phone and I’ll tell you.
In March of 1987 my wife was accused twice of child abuse, once by a counselor who called 911 and sent the cops to our house on one of few evenings when I was working late. I have a copy of the police report, dated March 4, 1987.
About two weeks later, still in the month of March, our Pediatrician called me at home one Saturday morning and accused my wife of child abuse. She wanted to refer my wife to a Psychiatrist and since we were in an HMO, the pediatrician could not make that referral directly, my wife’s primary physician in our HMO had to write that referral and my wife had refused to tell the pediatrician who her primary physician was.
So when the Pediatrician called and asked me, I told her who the other doctor was.
Two years before my wife had ran away from home, made some phone calls from the pay phone near our house, and convinced a deacon of the church to get her and take her to the church where she met with the Pastor and falsely accused me of abuse.
From there the Pastor and the church began to jump on her band wagon and falsely accuse me of abuse. And from that point the process of turning my children against me began as the first of several pastors began to abuse my children as well.
The marriage counselor that pastor referred us to turned out not to be a born again Christian. He was a religionist who hated the Bible and cursed violently at me when ever I would ask a question from the Bible.
No Pastor ever investigated to find out of any of the stuff my wife was telling them was true or not.
Now to be perfectly clear, 99% of the time when hear about child abuse today in the media, they are talking about the sexual abuse of a child. But the truth is that 99% of child abuse has nothing to do with sex, but sexual child abuse on TV boosts the ratings of the News shows and that helps them make more money from advertisers, so you rarely hear on TV about the 99% of child abuse which has nothing to do with sex.
In my case the abuse was a series of Pastors who were too stupid to know how to figure out if my wife’s allegations were true, so they just assumed, like the media has told them, that all abuse is perpetrated by men against helpless women and children.
So those Pastors, manipulated my children, who knew the truth by the day, into thinking their Dad was backslidden, and a mean awful rotten person.
My children would eventually complain to me about the lies these pastors were telling them.
And when I complained to our state wide bishop about the worst of it, the state wide bishop did not return one phone call. This was over a period of about 14 months. I could never get past his secretary -- who turned out to be the mother of the Pastor I was complaining about at the time.
None of that was true, but these Pastors were too stupid to figure out if what my wife was saying was true or not.
Not one of them asked my kids and listened to what the children had to say.
Not one of them asked to see the various police reports accumulating at the local police station.
Not one asked either of us to sign a form giving them permission to talk to our Pediatrician.
In April of 1987, my wife’s primary physician in our HMO had written a referral so that my wife could see a psychiatrist. No one asked that such a referral be written for me.
The Pediatrician also wrote a referral for our family to be referred to a licensed social worker, who worked out of the same office as the psychiatrist, designating one of our children as the primary patient.
And within 3 months this social worker and my wife argued about what Dr. James Dobson meant in one or more of Dr. Dobson’s various books which she had been reading.
In each case the social worker agreed with my understanding of what Dr. Dobson was saying and told my wife many times that I should take the lead in potty training the children and discipline in general. She was the first of about 10 marriage counselors over the years who would tell us both that I should take the lead in disciplining the children. That is that my wife SHOULD NEVER administer any type of physical discipline at all and that she should let me take the lead.
I kept our Pastor informed what was going on. He never investigated to find out whether or not what I was telling him was true or not. In that way he later abused me, because he assumed all the lies my wife was telling him about me were true.
Meanwhile our Pastor suggested I take a leave of absence from ministry and banned me from all types of ministry in the church. This was the same Pastor who had referred us to the non Christian marriage counselor.
We are now in April of 1987 and my wife has been asked by the Psychiatrist to take some psychiatric medication and a few months later the pediatrician made a note in the medical records of our children’s medical file that the medicine was having a positive effect on modifying the behavior in my wife in a good way.
By late June of 1987 my wife is furious with the social worker, who is Jewish by the way, who agrees with me on what Dr. James Dobson is saying in his book about how to raise and discipline children. So my wife tells me we need to find another marriage counselor.
So she finds a Christian marriage counselor named Judy through the wives of two friends of mine from college and we start seeing Judy.
Judy is the mother of seven, a graduate of the oldest Bible College in our denomination and holds a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the local Big Ten University.
After a few weeks, Judy decides that she needs to see my wife once a week and she only needs to see me on request. This is the third marriage counselor we have seen and she is third who wants to see my wife weekly and the third who says she only needs to see me on rare occasion. ( Which turns out to be once about every two months. )
After six months at one of the rare occasions Judy wants to see us together, she asks both of us to sign off on permission slips so that she can meet with our children, alone, one on one.
We both agreed and signed the forms as requested.
Judy is the first and last Christian counselor to ask us to sign such forms.
Meanwhile my wife is threatening to talk the children and leave me telling family and friends and our Pastor that I refuse to see Judy weekly with her. Of course Judy has told use she does not want to see me weekly.
Our Pastor knows Judy but refuses to call her and talk to her to find out who is telling the truth.
Judy is the sister in law of the Senior Pastor of one of the largest churches in our denomination in the Chicago area.
Judy is the same age as, and went to Bible College with the man who currently served our denomination as its state wide Bishop.
By now we are fed up with the Pastor who had a few years before sent us to the non Christian marriage counselor and we are attending a new home mission church, meeting in a grade school less than a mile from our home.
In June of 1988, after seeing Judy for about a year, Judy asks me to hire a lawyer to get my wife committed to a mental hospital. I tell our new pastor about this and he suggests, tongue in cheek that if she is abusing the children perhaps I should divorce her.
To this day he denies ever telling me this.
Since the Bible tells us that Christians should not be taking Christians to court, I don’t hire a lawyer, rather I tell my wife that I’ve been asked to hire a lawyer.
It turns out that Judy the Christian social worker and the Psychiatrist have been trying to get my wife to check herself into a mental hospital for six months already.
Meanwhile I am still banned from any type of ministry in our new church.
When my wife learns I’ve been asked to get her committed, she agrees to go to a mental hospital if we drop out of the HMO and go with pure insurance, ( which enabled her to get that Pediatrician out of the loop, something I didn’t realize til some time later ).
In August of 1988 she checks herself into a “Christian” mental heath clinic, which has leased a floor in a psychiatric hospital near Lake Michigan’s Foster Avenue beach.
We had learned about this “Christian” mental heath clinic since they had a radio program an hour each day on our local Christian radio station.
I would later learn that this “Christian” mental heath clinic practiced secular psychiatry and the doctor there refused to return my phone calls and the doctor and staff there refused to contact our former Pediatrician who had 18 months earlier accused my wife of child abuse.
When finally discharged from the mental hospital my wife moves in with her parents and the custody battle begins in the fall of 1988. I tell her the kids are coming home with me and if she wants to live with her parents she needs to get a job and start paying child support.
She tells me that if I don’t give her some money, she’s going to court against me.
It takes our Pastor six weeks to convince my wife that she is living in sin, because she is NOT living with her husband. So she comes home.
Three years later that home missions church gets a new pastor and the new pastor is told what is going on and he in his 22 years of wisdom, tells me he does not want to get involved, but secretly he starts making false 911 calls falsely accusing me of being a child abuser.
The false 911 calls of this pastor eventually get the police over to our house who begin to harass me and eventually this pastor convinced my wife that “since Art is an abuser it is ok for her to divorce me.”
Of course over ten marriage counselors and 4 MD’s know that she is the abuse and I am not.
These false 911 calls made by the pastor escalate til eventually he drives my wife to court and helps her tell the judge the same lies to the judge as she has been telling him the past three years and this leads to a “Domestic Order of Protection” throwing me out of the house.
And putting my children into the sole custody of their abuser for three weeks.
So I hire a lawyer who issues a subpoena to the Predication and all the former marriage counselors we can find and my wife realizes she has two choices:
1. Drop the charges against me or
2. Go to court and most likely get sent to a mental hospital by the court for a 60 day evaluation, perhaps putting our children into the care of DCFS, or she might get sent to jail for perjury for six months.
She decides not to risk 2 so she drops the charges against me.
I move home and two years later she files for divorce seeking custody of the children and the house and the rest of our stuff, and seeking child support and alimony.
At our first day in court, I am there with my lawyer and her lawyer and the judge issues an order that I have temp custody of the kids and that she is banned from the house, except to visit the kids every other weekend and on Tuesday evenings.
The court would eventually award me sole custody of the children, the house, and order my now ex wife to pay child support, which she only does for two years before becoming a dead beat Mom.
This divorce never would have happened if Pastors had checked to find out who was telling the truth by asking both of us to sign consent forms so that they could talk to former marriage counselors and to our Pediatrician.
Not only did several pastors hide the fact that my wife was abusing me and our children but they helped her abuse me by making false 911 calls on her behalf.
In 1994, shortly after that brief order of protection, I contacted all of the bible colleges and universities and seminaries in our denomination only to discover that NOT ONE OF THEM, offered a class to their future pastors in family counseling.
Today after much badgering by me, they all do and at least three schools offer graduate degrees in counseling. Sadly, their programs are not Bible based but are based on the secular model.
Today our children, the youngest of which is a couple of years out of high school and in his 20’s, want nothing to do with their mother.
And nothing to do with Church or the Pastors who broke up their parents’ marriage.
Needless to say I am now the pastor of a church which is totally NOT connected to our former denomination.
I am also a member of an Internet based support group for shattered men.
The guy you should have as a guest on your program is Pastor Ken leader of Shattered Men.
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
To this day my wife claims she divorced me because I was abusing her and that she was advised by our Pastor to divorce me to end the abuse.
To this day my wife claims that the only reason I won custody was because I had a better lawyer.
To this day my children want nothing to do with church. They blame the church for ending their parents’ marriage.
To this day, even though my children are grown and living on their own, I talk to them on the phone nearly every day and they call their mother for 20 minutes each year on Christmas.
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month