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The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life


From Melanie

I have known Melanie for sometime.  She has consistently tried to live according to the Word of God and has tried to be the Proverbs 31 wife.   Melanie posted the following in our club, Shatttered Men.  I does more to show exactly what we have been saying then 100 of my post.  I have gone round upon round with "women shelter" types who say "NEVER ask why" for it is blaming the "victim" and have pointed out that if we do not we are excusing the victim of all responsibility and accountability.  We have said often that anytime there is a conflict between two adults, BOTH are most often responsible to some extent. 

This did not happen here with Melanie but I have found often that if a man tries to leave and his wife blocks the door, if he tries to move her out of the way no matter how gently, he has assaulted her. and can be arrested for domestic violence.  If HE blocked the door, she need do nothing more then call the police and he will be charged with unlawful imprisonment. 

The first part is presenting the problem.  The second part had to be very hard for Melanie to write as it involved becoming transparent for all the world to see when she gave permission to place it on this site.

Melanie  thank you for taking the chance to be transparent.  Your story will do much to expose the real dynamics of abuse that feminist will deny with every ounce of their being as they seek only to demonize men at every turn to gain whatever they can not only at the expense of men in violation of the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution, but at the expense of our society and especially our children.


From Melanie

hope its ok but I seriously need to get some things out and Mike wont let me talk about them with him so I get frustrated and we start yelling and he tells me to shut up.
I am tired of shutting up, I am tired of having him yell at me for not doing my job but he hasn't worked in 2 1/2 months
I am tired of being expected to just forget all the things he did and said that cut me to the bone while he was drinking.
Now here we sit, no money, no job, he worked for his Mom a few days and now instead of drinking the money away he gambles it away out of desperation (or so he says) then he has the nerve to say he is mad at God for the situation!!!!
What is that???
That would be like our 7 yr old son smashing a window after being told not to play ball in the house, ok so what would a good Dad's reaction be? Give the boy a blessing because he didn't listen or would a good Dad allow his child to feel the consequences of his actions in order to make him a better person? Mike doesn't give our kids any slack why does he then expect God to fall all over Himself to right Mike's wrongs so there are no bad fruits reaped from a rebellious disobedient tree??
He just jumped all over me when I asked him a question so of course it turned into an argument and now he left to go to the store, now if he comes home with a bottle of booze guess who's fault it is? Of course AA and Al-Anon tell me that I shouldn't make him feel bad if he drinks, I should be supportive.......you know what? I am sick and tired of having to be the one who eats the pain and has to smile or be the bad guy. I am sick of Mike saying it isn't my fault he drinks but then uses me as an excuse when he does. Its all just garbage and I am tired.
I have become someone else. I have become bitter, angry and hateful towards the man I am supposed to love. How can I be anything else when its a fight to get toilet paper in the house because he is irresponsible? How can I not be angry and bitter after all the evil things he has said and done while drinking and now that he quit doesn't feel the need to apologize for?
Someone please tell me HOW to not be hurt or angry when it just keeps happening over and over. I am so sorry for even saying this but I have to say it to someone but I really hate my husband at this moment I would be relieved if he would get in an accident and just end all the agony. I know I am not perfect but at least I try to change and it doesn't matter. No matter how much I try he keeps finding things that push my buttons and I go right back to the way I was. What is wrong with me? Why cant I stop the insanity? Why wont he? I fear we are hopeless without God but Mike wont let Him in so what is there to do? Pray....yea I have been doing that and nothing, things actually get worse the more I pray. I cant say these things to my family and I have no friends, I feel bad for dumping on you all I just needed to get it out. I know there are no answers for us, this is our destiny, to be miserable just like our parents were and just like our children will carry on after us.
Thanks for listening
Melanie
 

Thank you to everyone that replied with support, prayers and concern. I had a revelation after posting, talking to Mike and praying. BTW he didn't drink yesterday (day 10) Praise the LORD!
But I do have to face some things about myself I don't want to. I have to admit, as painful as it is to do so, that I used his drinking as an excuse to yell at him. I kept telling myself I wouldn't be like that if he didn't drink but you know what? I am. Yesterday I pushed and pushed and pushed him verbally. I don't even realize I am doing it, its like I feel the anger coming and I try to stop it by praying but it starts anyway and once it starts I cant stop it.
We had a honest talk last night and he finally told me how he feels (again praise God he is sober or that wouldn't have happened)
He told me he is afraid when I do that to him and he warned me its dangerous for me to do it. He said if he didn't have as much self control as he does I would have been in the hospital and he would have been in jail last night. He told me I have to stop "stalking him" and let him walk away from the situation. Boy this hurt because I had to admit he was right and that I am the very kind of woman I despise. But no more beating up on myself now I have to figure out how to stop this. I understand it happens now because I CANT be vulnerable so I take any hurt feelings I may have and turn them in to wrath to put the other person in the defensive position. I also hold in all my negative feelings around everyone else out of fear then dump them all on Mike, so not right I know. I also see now that this all comes from being abandoned over and over as a child by my Dad and all the mind games and emotional manipulation and abuse done by both parents, and still being done. I have no boundaries with my parents and that makes me angry. I kept telling myself that Mike drinking caused my anger, and my family kept telling me I was right...well I am not and I know it now but how do I GET right? How do I be the kind of wife and mother God wants me to be? I was doing well for a while but now it seems its getting worse than ever.
One good thing though, Mike told me he sees that the reason I am like this with him and no one else is because I feel comfortable and trust him enough to show this side of myself to him. That was even hard to hear because deep inside there is part of me that is desperately fearful of trusting anyone. I feel horrible and great at the same time today. I am so sorry for not being totally honest with you all about the situation but really I wasn't being honest with myself yet either. I apologize here in public to the group and to Mike for not being fair in my previous posts.
Thank you all for being here, even though I don't post often it really means a lot to have a place I can be honest when I see the truth.
God bless you all and hugs all around
Melanie
 

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