The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
A Marriage Made in Heaven
Most of us have seen the "storybook weddings" It
is often said that
it was a "marriage made in heaven" We have also heard about some of
these marriages that were made in heaven transferring to hell!
What is it that makes a "perfect" marriage go from being a "paradise"
to a "living hell" often within a short time?
Needless to say, there are many reasons for this. Often we can even
predict it if we watch the couple carefully for even a short time.
I believe that often women marry someone with a list of what they
plan to change after they are married. Men marry thinking their new
wife will never change. It does not take long for women to discover
their husband is not going to change while the men find out a lot has
changed almost overnight. Not only does her hairdresser know, he
also knows now about why her hair was always so nice. Ummm somehow
her hair is not so pretty in curlers day and night. And he does not
look so neat with that dirty tee shirt and a face that has not seen a
razor for a couple of days. What happened?
Some marry to get out of the house. Is the grass greener on the
other side of the fence? Others marry to "bag" that hunk or to get
that beautiful woman who just became the runner up for Miss
America. Ever notice that this type of beauty does not last? Look
for that beauty that does last…the inner beauty. Remember, we can
have a fancy show dog that can win all the dog shows, but it is
often the mutt…that will go into a burning house to rescues us from
Some may marry just to take someone from another person. They
knowingly go out with another married man or woman. Odd is it not
that these people do not stop to think that if their new husband or
wife went out on their spouse, that they would not do it to them?
Nor does that person stop to think that there will not be another
challenge down the road for their new spouse to take up?
Well, lets look at some things from Ephesians 4
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in
righteousness and true holiness.
Folks, when we are married, we are also to become new men and women.
It is difficult for two people to become one flesh and remain the
same. Try running a "3 leg race" and each of you go a different
direction. Just as in this race, both have to work together to win
the race...both husband and wife have to work together to finish what
they started out to do also.
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his
neighbour: for we are members one of another.
A marriage has to be based upon honesty so this verse should apply to
a husband and wife even more then to other people. Yet we hear jokes
about the husband whose wife ask..."do I look fat in this dress" We
joke that no matter what he says, he is in trouble, We know that
there is never a right answer for this. If he says yes, he has called
her fat. If he says no, he is lying. Guys, we too can set up
this "no win" type of question. Perhaps it is by asking..."do you
mind if I watch the ball game..." when you know that whatever the
answer is, she will not win. If she reminds you that you said you
would do something with her that day, she does not want you to enjoy
the day. If she says it is ok, she may be setting you up for a major
Proverbs 12:22 Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that
deal truly are his delight. Psalm 120:2 Deliver my soul, O LORD,
from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue.
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your
I have talked to many that have expressed conviction for being
angry. They feel that anytime they are angry, they have sinned. If
you are one of these people...READ that verse again. What are the
first three words? Does it not say...BE ANGRY? Instead of telling
us we can never be angry, God is telling us to be angry.... but HE
also says...and sin not. I have often pointed out that at times it
would be a sin NOT to be angry. What determines when anger becomes
1: If anger is based upon MY rights being violated, then there is a
chance it can be sinful. This however does not mean God expects us
to be a doormat for anyone to step on anytime they want. Often
setting boundaries can solve the problem..
2: If we become angry because we took up the offense of another
without knowing the full story. Often we are offended for someone
else while that person was never offended himself or herself. For an
example, a friend and I call each other "brat". One time when this
happened in a chat, someone took offense to it and became angry. We
did explain the situation to this person and all was resolved but it
also shows the need to find out if the person we are "defending"
needs defending. If they are not angry, we should not be either.
Now there are exceptions to this too. If someone is being abused,
they may not get angry because they may think they deserve it. NO
ONE deserves to be abused PERIOD!
Remember, we are told that Jesus was angry on several occasions and
we also know GOD does get angry at us for willful disobedience but we
need to learn from what He does with that anger. GOD uses anger to
help guide us in the right direction...to correct us. We need to use
anger to motivate us to correct whatever it was that made us anger.
27 Neither give place to the devil.
Do not allow the devil to get his foot in the door. If you are going
to be late, call your spouse and let them know. More important; do
not "badmouth" your spouse to anyone. This is so important we will
say it again: "do not "badmouth" your spouse to anyone! Well, we
will make one exception...tell it to GOD while you are alone and no
one can hear you. Many affairs started off this way. When a man
hears a woman telling someone that her husband does not care about
her, he can move in and "comfort" her. Women can "be there" for a
man whose wife just does not understand him. This type of caring can
be misunderstood for more then what it was intended to be. The best
way to avoid this is to follow the adage, if you cannot say anything
nice, do not say anything. Better yet, let us look for things we can
say that are positive about our spouse. If we do, satan will not get
a foot in the door to break up our marriage.
28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour,
working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to
give to him that needeth.
This means to stop stealing from our spouse and children too. Oh I
do not mean taking that $20 out of their wallet or purse although it
does apply to that too. (It can be a bit embarrassing to think you
have money and then go to buy something to find out it is not there
even if you have an "IOU" in it's place. For some reason, stores do
not accept these "IOU's) How do we steal from our family? If we
promise we will do something and they don't have we not
stolen that which we promised them? How about when we
tell our kids we will take them to the park? Oh we know sometimes
things do come up unexpectantly, but week after week after week?
Folks, when we spend time with our loved ones, we do tell them they
are valuable to us in the most important way we can. Gifts,
broken promises do not mean as much as spending time with someone
giving them our undivided attention.
29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that
which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto
The New Living Translation says, "Don't use foul or abusive language"
It does not say do not let too much...it says let NO foul or abusive
language come out of our mouth. Anything we say should be intended
to build each other up and not tear one another down. Hurling
insults at each other involves using corrupt communication. Oh I
can hear it now, he or she did it to me first! I ask, what do we
tell our kids when they try pulling this one on us? Do we let them
get away with it? Do you really think God will let us get away with
it? Remember, David prayed. "Search ME oh LORD, NOT search my
husband or search my wife. We are all responsible to do what GOD
wants us to do regardless of what anyone else does.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto
the day of redemption.
How do we grieve the Holy Spirit? The same way our children grieve
us when they willfully disobey us. It hurts us to see our children
hurting each other instead of loving and caring for each other. Oh
we know they will have disagreements and arguments from time to
time. God knows we will too. That is why there are areas we can
disagree on and we have several examples in GOD's word where we can
see this. Paul and Barnabas had a "sharp contention as recording in
Acts 15:36-41 and each went separate ways.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil
speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
Folks, that ALL goes before each of these things….all bitterness,
all wrath, all anger, all clamor. Not some of it…all of it.
Clamour is crying, outcry, to make loud demands or to utter or
proclaim insistently and noisily sort of like whining. How fast
does it get on our nerves when our kids do this with us? Guess
what….God does not like it either.
We are also told to put away evil speaking. Slander, false
accusations, insults or anything else intended to hurt another has
no place in our speech. Folks, when we do these things, we hurt GOD
more then we hurt anyone else. All our actions, all our speech
should be motivated by love. There was a love worth finding with
your loved one at one time. Find that love again. It will still be
Do not save green stamps!
Remember those stamps? When we bought something, we were given
stamps which we pasted in a book and when that book was filled, we
would redeem it for gifts? How often do we save offenses
committed "against" us and when that book is filled, we redeem it
and "let them have it"? Have you noticed some of our biggest fights
are over stupid things? Little things that should not matter to
anyone but it becomes a major battle. Could it be because we were
saving offenses and this last thing filled the book and we needed to
redeem it? We can see this clearly in 1 Corinthians 13 Revisited
The last verse we will look at shows how to succeed in marriage. If
we follow this, our marriage will be "made in heaven"
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
"Be kind to each other" If we treat each other with dignity, with
respect, and the way we want to be treated, we will see a vast
improvement in our relationships. This means to forgive each other
and when we forgive, it makes that offense off limits for ANY future
arguments. Why should we forgive? After all, as much as they hurt
me…they sure do not deserve it! Folks…did WE deserve GOD's
forgiveness? Jesus loves us so much that God chose to forgive any
one that would place their trust in Him. That is why we forgive
others. It is for HIS sake! Just as it hurts loving parents to see
their children fighting with each other, it hurts Jesus greatly to
see how we so often treat each other. Why forgive? Do it for
My friend, this message was written for Shattered Men. We reach out
to many regardless of their religious background or lack of it.
Many of our people admit that they do not know the LORD. If you are
one of these, this message does not apply to you. You do not have
the ability follow this advise because you have not been forgiven
yet. BUT you can be! This message was written to GOD's kids. We
see this because only those who have trusted Jesus for full payment
for their sin have been sealed unto the day of redemption. (vs 30)
It can apply to you. You can find the peace, the joy and the comfort
so many others have found here in Shattered Men in spite of the
storms that go on around us. It only takes a moment. You can find
out how to have the strength to do these things by reading this easy
to understand link.
There are other links that will help:
Remember, we are here…for YOU!
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month