The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
Half of those getting married will be
divorced. We have to wonder why this rate is so high. (I will not go into one of
the reasons) Why is it that two people can feel so attracted to each other to
want to get married, only to drift apart later on?
Part if it is because of the feeling we need to "conquer" Just as a child wants a new toy, once they get it, it will only be attractive for an hour or two...unless another child wants to play with that toy...then watch out! There are many men that once they have "conquered" they want to move on to another. Many women only want to find someone else's "toy" and that is why many men are able to have affairs. The "other woman" knows they are married but they
often do not want commitment so it is safer to go out with someone that is already married. This can work both ways. Remember for every man or woman that has an affair with a married person, that other person is equally at fault. As a pastor, I must point out that every man and woman should only have intimacy with a married person...their OWN spouse!
What happens when there is nothing "new" in our relationship with our spouse? Is it not like the child who gets bored with the toy and sets it aside?
Let's go back to the time we were dating. What attracted you to your wife or husband? Why was he attracted to you?
When you were dating, was the soaps more important then him? Was the game more important then her? Did you take each other for granted? Think back to what you and your special person did. How did you treat each other?
Most likely, that person treated you like you were special. Like you were the only person that mattered. Ladies, do you have your hair in curlers when he gets home so you can look good to strangers later on? Men, do you let your grooming go because you are out in public? Does it not matter that you are with your wife? (ok I am stepping on my own toes here too)
If we listed our priorities out of this list....spouse, children, our job, God, ministry or charity work, friends and neighbors what would your order be?
Although the order could vary for the last the first three should be God, spouse and then children. The best thing I did for my children is to love their mother. The best thing she did for them was to love me. If we follow this order, our children's needs are taken care of. I would not love my wife nor would she show her love to me if we both did not assure our children's needs were met.
Men and women each have a basic psychological need. Women need to feel secure. That is they need to feel LOVED. Men need to feel significant or that they are worthwhile to someone. Men want to know they are making a positive difference in someone's life. Both men and women have the deepest fulfillment when their husband or wife meets these.
What happens when these needs are not met? This could occur either way first but we have to start somewhere. If I do not make my wife feel she is loved, her basic need will not be met. I have to touch her in a significant way (hugs, cuddling) several times a day. I have to "say" I love you to her also. Sure she SHOULD know this but she NEEDS to hear me SAY it! Getting her a rose or card (better yet, "make" your own card saying I love you) will go along way for meeting this basic need she has.
In turn, she will more likely meet my need of feeling worthwhile. I need to feel significant. When she feels I love her, she can in turn make this need fulfilled in my life. When I do not meet this need, she will more likely attack me in the very area my need is greatest.
Women can often start the ball rolling in this area without realizing it. Things like even gender bashing goes a long way toward keeping these needs unmet. When men hear "If you were a man" it takes away this feeling of significance. "It is always a man's fault or "women drivers" do much to keep the basic needs of each other unfulfilled. Perhaps it is time for us all to stop gender bashing jokes. Too many really believe them and it messes up their views of gender roles.
When we have these needs go unmet, then it gets to be a vicious circle that will tear each other down further and further to the point the verbal and emotional abuse becomes physical. Far too often this point has been reached in our childhood. It becomes hard for
anyone to meet these needs because of a mindset we obtained as an abuse child.
When a husband LOVES HIS WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH regardless
of how she responds, it will go a long way to meeting her need to feel loved.
When a woman summits to her own husband as 1st Peter 3:1 (and there are lots we can say on both of these if anyone wants to explore it more) then her husbands needs of significance are greatly enhanced.
He can then love his wife more who then can make him feel more significant. THIS is the way God intended marriage to be! When we do things GOD'S WAY it works out BEST for everyone!
No it is not easy but is it easy to let things go to the extent that we see far too many homes now? We each have a part to do, Let us examine ourselves to assure we are doing our part. I have to love my wife as Christ loves the church regardless of what she does. One person not doing what God wants them to do does NOT excuse another of doing their part.
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month