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The hidden half of domestic violence

 

How to have eternal life


False accusations are so very common today.  I believe that it is rapidly becoming one of the most common ways men are abused in domestic violence other then direct assault.    I have heard from several women that it had been strongly suggested that they accuse their husband of abuse and we can see from the VAWA that it can be rewarding for a woman thinking of divorce and she incurs very little risk to herself.    Another too often common element in Kevin's story is that often men can not get help from their church.  Many churches ignore domestic abuse completely but far more will totally ignore it when men seek help from the church.  Kevin found this out when his church accepted his ex's word over his although she seldom went to church and he attended regularly.    We have seen this in several other "Real Stories"  Stories  from police officers   a Pastor  and another "Real Story" that shows men get NO HELP  from the church. 

Kevin, thank you for being a part of the Shattered Men family and for being my friend.  

Kevin's Story

I was married for about ten years. There were warning signs before I got
married but I either didn't pick up on them or ignored them. The hitting started
about three months after we were married and just kept escalating. When things
started to go really bad is when someone called the police and I am bleeding and
bruised and they asked her if she was alright. I never hit back ever.

After that her threat was to call the police and have me arrested. I was a
virtual prisoner in my home. She had the power at all times. You may think that I
am being extreme but she would threaten to take the kids and claim that I would
never see them again and all she had to do was call the police.

When my children were old enough to witness the abuse she would love to try
and humiliate me in front of them. She would tell friends that I wasn't a man
and that she beat the crude out of me.

One day when I was at work she showed up and accused my co-workers of
trying to sleep with me and tried to start a fight. She constantly accused me of
having an affair even though she knew that i believed in my faith and God. I
could never figure out why she always believed that I was having an affair. She
was very convinced and would show up at different times to "Check Up on me."

On one day she hit me in the face and broke my glasses in front of my work.
Several co-workers wanted to call the police but I was sure I would be the one
to go to jail. One day my son called me at work and told me that mom was in our
bedroom with a man. When I confronted her with it she told me that my son was
making it up and that his eight year old mind was playing tricks on him.
Co-workers and friends started seeing her with several different men around town
and I found out that it was common knowledge. I seem to have been the last to know
so to speak.

She continued to accuse me of having an affair even though I was not and
everything pointed to her infidelity. Finally after being choked and hit in the
head for more time than I can remember I remember seeing my little girl with tears
in her eyes. At that moment I almost lost it. I came close to to a physical
violence that I know would have probably resulted in her death. I know that God
used my babies who were in the room to help me keep from doing it. I left.

I got into my car, drove about a mile and pulled the car over and just sat
there. After about an hour a police car pulled up behind  me. The officer, a
women, taped hard on the glass and told me to exit the vehicle. There were two
more police cars pull up. I was told I was being arrested for domestic violence.
The female police officer was particularly bent on seeing me arrested. When she
put the hand cuffs on my wrists so tight that when I was taken to the police
station my hand were blue.

I might have became bitter against all women at that point. I know my heart
sank when the detective assigned to me was also female. But now I thank the Lord
that he put this professional woman in charge. She asked me what happened. Here
I have to admit that I was a little flippant . I was convinced that no matter
what I did they were going to charge me. She calmly told me she was impartial.
Then she noticed the bruises and marks on my neck and asked more questions. She got a Polaroid camera and took photographs.

I remember her saying that I had to go to jail but not to worry that
everything would be alright. I have to admit I thought she was being
patronizing. I was able to make bail and a good friend put me up.

The first thing that she did was get in touch with my pastor and his wife.
She rarely went to church at all. I went at least twice a week and sometimes
three. There were whispers and rumors about what was going on. Yet they took my
wife's word over mine. I tried to get comfort from the church and explain to them
what really happened but they wouldn't listen

In the mean time a court date was set. I was looking at losing my career,
my freedom and my children. The friends that I thought I had at the church told
me how bad of a person that I was and that I was the one destroying my family. I
am told my ex attended quite a bit during this time.

The day of the court date I went to the court house and tried to check in
but they didn't have my name anywhere and they suggested I go to the District
Attorneys office and find out what was going on. When I got there they told me
that all charges had been dropped. The female detective had made sure of that.
She really did know everything was going to be all right as far as the charges.

When I refused to go back to my ex she shunned the church and had said some
very unflattering things about it. Basically being herself. Yes when they saw
what she really was about there were some who tried to apologize but I was to
bitter and hurt.

She tried again to have me arrested. She told the detectives that I had
broke into the apartment were she was staying and tried to rob her and had
pulled a shotgun handed down to me from my great grandfather. It had been in my
family over 100 years and was called a Long Tom. It was five and a half feet
tall and was were it got its name. She claimed I grabbed her by the throat and
held the shotgun to her throat. The police were actually laughing at her story
because of how ridiculous it was. I had an alibi for the time she said that it
had happened and I didn't have arms the size of King Kong to hold a large
firearm that size with one hand , never mind the fact that I would have to have
several more feet added to my arm. It didn't however prevent the police from
taking it and destroying it. It didn't prevent her from having a temporary
restraining order put out against me.

The judge would not make it permanent and ordered us to arbitration over
visitation. I have been in court for the last four years trying to get custody
of my children. I have had many people write affidavits to what happened and
have witnesses for almost every event at my work. She chooses not to show up to
most of the court dates and yet they still find in her favor! I do not have
enough money for an attorney so I have to do everything myself. My child
support is so high that sometimes its hard to pay for my rent. She went on
welfare and the state has tacked that on to me in a way that makes it look like
I have back child support and they have ruined my credit. Some 13,000 dollars. I
have paid every payment of child support yet I am to have to pay back the state
the money she collected while on welfare.

I am again attempting to go back to court. This is it. I have two children that
live with me now. I have borrowed money from my family and from friends. If I do
not win this time I will not have the financial resources to continue. It doesn't
look good.



Best and god Bless

Kevin

added 11/5/05

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