Shat terd


The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life



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i've never written a long version of my i hope i dont go over board here. I never really took the time to actually think about doing it i guess. I will start with my childhood....there is not very many memories there...between my uncle and my mother they did enough damage to make me block it out. but these last few months somethings have been coming back to me...i know from what my dad says things started with my uncle when i was dad told me i came and told him but my mother convinced him that i was lying and they just swept it under the carpet..i do have some memories anyways but they are scattered...i was almost 12 though the last time my uncle did anything to me..i was 12 yrs old when i tried to kill myself..i look back now and laugh...kinda anyways...i was so young which is a good thing...i had taken 7 at a time and then laid down thinking i wouldn't wake at the age of 29 i am glad to be here....but i was none to happy then.

My mother...well she is a whole different story..she did the most damage to me..her and my oldest sister mom....i remember her throwing me down steps..being beaten by anything she could lift...wooden spoons....flyswatters..both ends of the flyswatter....belts...sticks... her hands...we once had a wooden rocking chair that she through straight at me....if i hadn't of ducked i dont know what would've happened..but the chair put a whole in the wall..and it wasn't the physical that was the worst...she called me every name you can think of...i was dirt beneath her feet....i was trash....i was never gonna amount to anything....everything she did to me....she did to my brother...and he got it worse then i did..he would also get in the middle of her and i to take some of the blows for me....he is 2 yrs younger then me...she pulled a knife on me one day and my brother stepped in...she hit him in the head with a phone for sticking up for me..i remember one day she had me sweep the kitchen floor 5 times until i got every speck of dirt....the older we got the worse it got...i was 16 and my mom woke my dad up at 3am screaming and hollaring....i had come home late and had been was like 3am....she had gouged my face with her fingers nails before i even got into the house...well dad woke up and he cracked....he went off on me....and he has never done that before...slapped me across the side of the head and my head went flying into the corner of the door.....had a big ol knot on my forhead from it too....he just kept slapping and slapping...until my younger sister woke my brother up and he came and got in the middle of it...that brought my dad back around...and he sent me to my sister says he checked on me off and on the rest of the night....making sure i was still there...the next morning he cried....that was the first time i ever remember seeing my daddy cry.. i totally forgave mom had pushed him to it...and he was honestly sorry...and he's never done nothing like that since...

i ended up turning to men looking for for 2 yrs i ran around searching and feeling worse and worse about the same time 2 summers in a row i worked 3 jobs just so i didn't have to be home....detassled corn doing the off by 1 slept until 4 got up and got ready and was to work at pizza hut by off there at 11 had to be to work at a family resturant by midnight and worked there until 5am.....did that almost every night of the week....lost alot of weight those 2yrs...

to show you even more how my mother is...i lost my virginity a week before i turned sister told my mom and both of them held it over my head threatening to tell my i finally told him myself....and then he was hurt....deeply hurt.....but he talked to me and told me he just didn't want me to turn out like my mother and sister....

my older sister....she is another story.....she used to sit on me and pound on me....i never cried....i would laugh at her....she'd get so mad she'd keep pounding until she started crying....and then i would start....but i never gave into her...i dont know if you know the song by quiet riot....bang your head.....well she would turn that song on and push me up against the wall and bang my head against the wall to that song.....that is until i took after her with a a couple of months ago i started having dreams of someone trying to smother me with a pillow and then all of a sudden i'm seeing her face in my dream...i told her about it and she started laughing and saying your just now remembering that....but she is just as bad as my mother...

my younger sister....well...she was never physical....she new she could never do anything to me....but i remember one day she was screaming at the top of her lungs because my friend and i wouldn't let her come with to get her attention i grabbed her arm....yes well she stopped screaming but i tell you now...i left no marks on her....but she starts rubbing her arm and making it red and runs and tells mommy....and what's she do...comes back and beats the crap out of me for hurting her baby...that also reminds me of my older sister...i was out doing dishes one day....and for some reason my older sister was getting it with the belt.....which never happens....and my sister starts screaming you never beat jenny with a what's mom do.....yep....she comes out and starts beating me with a belt saying your sister says you never get this....all i was doing was the matter what i did it was never good enough

the last time mom touched me was after i had my son...i was 20 and he was only like a month old...well i dont even know what caused it but i ended up cornered in the bathroom and she was choking me....i flipped that day....i shoved her back and told her if she ever touched me again i would kill her..her mental abuse still to this day has not stopped....

i was date rapped when i was 18...i told my mother who informed me that if i hadn't of been out drinking then it never would have needless to say nothing was done....i have bent over backwards for my family my whole life...helping them anyway that i can..always being there for them...but i dont get the same in return..i can no longer let them walk all over me....although i love them very much i need my sanity...

i now have 2 children...they have 2 different fathers...although i was engaged to both....i'm glad i didn't marry them..i seem to always attract men like my mother...there either controling or abusive..

i'm now 29 yrs old and still struggling....i had lost my faith along time ago in our Lord....but now it's back....and i will never turn my back on him again....He has filled a hole in me that i never thought was possible..i have met some wonderful people on the net that has helped me bring Him back into my life...and i thank each and everyone of you...i still have a long ways to go with some issues...but i will never go through them alone again....God Bless You All...

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