Shat terd


The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life

Now Playing: Amazing Grace for His grace is amazing.


Hear is a few things about my life and how it all started. As I set here and think about all. It started on October 17th, 1947. I was suppose to been born on Oct. 5 but I was late. Then they finally had to take me. When I was born I was not breathing and they had to take me C-section according to my mom.. She said they had to make me breath by slapping me with paddles upside down.. That would seem awful to go through but at least I don't remember none of it..

That is when my life started.. My mother did not want to see me and she didn't see me until twelve days later. I don't know much of or remember but she said something about they thought I had water on the brain and I was very sick. I could not set up or anything for a long time. I think I was around three years old.

When I began talking I could not be understood at all.. I stuttered all the time and I could not even say my own name.. I had to go to a special class and speech lessons everyday. I remembered I hated it.

I remember once when I was nine years old. I wont never forget it at all. My mother was at the stove fixing hamburger gravy. That was one of the main meals we had when I was growing up. I was standing at the end of the stove.. I tried to tell her something. She told me in no certain terms to shut my god___ mouth until I could talk or do not talk to her at all.

I remember kids made fun of me and called me names all the times.. But the abuse did not stop there at all. I had it at home also. My mom hated me.. She blamed me for her having cancer after I was born and she really did not wont nothing to do with me. She did buy me nice clothes and tried to buy my love but there was no love there at all from my mom or really from my dad.

But starting out in life I always loved church.. I wanted to go every time the doors was open.. I loved church camp and being around the kids and the teachers.. My mother kept church from me when I was naughty or if I ever did something wrong. Even for minor things she kept church away from me for sometimes as long as a month. I use to cry but it did not do any good.

So I continued to go to school and be abused or verbal abuse by the kids at schools or I got the abuse from my mother at home.. She use to whip me with a fly swatter.. She beat me so hard that she made the blood come out of my back and my legs.. Every time I told her to stop or no she did it twice as hard. I remember one time going to gym class at school and I had to undress and shower with the rest of the girls I got laughed at but there was no laws back then to protect kids. So it went on like that for years..
When I was in high school I ran away from home and stayed with my half brother.. My mother at that time disowned me and went through the lawyer to have it done..

When I was at his house he was a preacher and got us all up at 3:00 every morning to pray.. I ran from his house to another house and that was all the way through high school. I did lousy in school.

I got engage when I was in high school to someone I knew all my life. We had big dreams to be married and live happy ever after. I had my check up and the doctor found I could not have children so I had to have my tubes died, so I would not die.

The big day of graduation came and I thought it was. My parents or none of my family came to my graduation. I spent it alone.

The night of graduation I started smoking and drinking. That was my first but it was not my last.

After graduation I ran around but I remember some of the details I signed my self in to a hospital in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I am not sure of the month, but I believe it was like in September. I don't know why I did that but I did. I was in behind lock doors, but I was in the best part of the wing but had to sleep like in a dorm with many other women.. I remember going through one bad section to get to the kitchen there was this lady setting there talking to her doll. Just carrying on a regular conversation.

I went on a pass every week end with this church family. Then they brought be back on a Sunday night. I think I went there because I did not have any love from home or no one that cared for me at all.

At least I had a place and food and people that looked after me. I do know that family took me home a couple times to see my family but they did not care for me either.

It was around Thanksgiving I could have went home so the doctors and then I called my parents and they told me no I could not go there. The only one left that I had was my mothers son, which was my half brother. He told me I could come there and they went to the hospital to pick me up.

I did not know at the time that he was sick and the experience that would be facing the family a month later. About 2 weeks after being at his house my mom finally let me come home.

I remember the telephone rung early about 5:55 AM on December 21st and it was from my brother's wife. She told me that he died in his sleep. I remember telling my mom and then I called my dad at his job and told him. All he said was my God. But my mom went nuts. And she hated my dad ever since. For the day before they had him to Ann Arbor and my mom wanted to go out there that night to check on him and my dad would not let her go. He told she could go the next day, but that day never came around. His funeral was on December 24th, 1966. He was the only one out of the family I had that loved me and that was taken away
A few days later I went out one night late.. I wound up in South Bend, Indiana some how at the bus station. Never knew why I was there. But that was a night mare and I will never forget it tell the day I die.. I was thrown in a car by two black men and taken out somewhere under a bunch of tracks and knife and rape.. I was nothing but filled with blood. My mom did come and pick me up later and but never took me to get check or any counseling at all.. For months I had nite mares and woke up screaming about it. But I broke my engagement.. I did not want nothing to do with a man or even the one I loved..

After all that and the night mares I remember stealing 300 dollars from my mom in her top chest of drawers. I got on the greyhound bus . My first stop was Chicago, Illinois.. I got me a job as a bar tender but I ran the streets awhile. I lived on the streets.. That was in the 1960's. I never did drugs, but I think I was handed something one time because I was real drunk and hit my mouth and broke my tooth and had to get it cap later. I wound up on south Michigan street at the mission. I remember later when I got my apartment I always tried to find a church I could be at or talk to.. God was still there but I did not have him in my life but he had me and I think He was watching out for me.
 From Chicago I wound up in Las Vegas and the same thing happened there.. I just kept running and running. Getting jobs on the side or gambling in Vegas trying to make money.

Then I wound up in Bakersfield, California.. I did not have any money or no where to go so I answered a add in the paper and wound up in a magazine out fit..

Then one day the manager came in the motel where we was all staying and got very mad and started yelling.. He shoved me against a dresser and when I fell I hit my back on it and he walked out and I laid there. I could not get up or move. I remember two people walked buy and picked me up and I wound up in a county hospital. I had two crushed vertebrates in my back and wound up at a county hospital.

After all that and later I wound back home.. Got me a job at a local bowling alley as a bartender. That was the start of more trouble, but did not know it at the time.. I met my soon to be husband there and we was married.

For the first few years it was very bad. There was so much domestic violence in it. I was knocked around and bruises and etc.. I remember one night I got in the car and drove as fast as I could. It was in the middle of winter. All I had on was my night gown and no shoes.. I tried to kill my self but did not succeed. But I tried. The abuse went on for at least 6 years..

In the middle of that time I started going to church again.. I wanted to be in church. After a while my husband made me choose the church or choose him. Well I chose my husband over God.. That was a mistake. I could not go to church for about 5 years.

There was times on church nights I always made up a excuse to go to the store or what ever and found my self in the parking lot of our church listening to the msg.. Our preacher was that loud and I had the windows down. It was in the middle of winter a lot of times. But I was drawn to the church..

When I was 24 years old I was very sick. I was having very bad female problems and sometimes it lasted for months. There was times I thought I was going to die. I could not leave the house I was so bad.

So I wound up having major surgery.. In the hospital he ask me did I want to become a foster parent... We still had bad times and we covered up the fights and the abuse..

One night on Aug 23, 1979 we got a call at 9:00 PM and they wanted to know would we take a little baby that was born July 28th of 1979. We said yes.. When we got him . he was filled up with scabies, mites, dragged around the throat by a older sister like a doll. He did not have on any clothes except a doll top that had to be cut off of him. We spent all that night at the hospital.
 I use to set up nights  to rock him and we had to feed him every two hours just a little formula.

One night when he was three months old I had a dream, maybe a vision. I do not know. But I woke up my husband. I told him that we would adopt John and that he would be in church. Well he told me we may adopt him but he will never be a so and so church.

Every 45 days they had a court hearing to see if the parents would fit to take the children back.. The judge kept saying they was not fit. But they could have visiting rights.

This went on for two years. The last court hearing came and the social services told us to get his clothes ready.. That he would be going home the next day after court.. I just kept hanging on to what I dreamt  two years before.

Well court was over and the call came in at 5:00 the next evening.. The judge told the parents that they could have 5 children back but not two of the 7.. One of the seven was John.. We got to adopt him on August 12th of 1982. He was just a few days after his second birthday..

That was the best day in my life.. He was our son and God answered my prayer. When he was around 8 years old he accepted Jesus in his life and had a strong life in church. He wanted to be a minister and he sung specials in church.. I was very proud of him.

One night though I remember  when he was about 4 years old he got between his dad and me and told his dad in a child's  voice. "Don't be mean to my mommy"
The abuse did not stop even with a child in the house. It kept going then one day he had to stop drinking because of sickness. So the domestic violence stopped but the verbal  kept up.

Verbal abuse is worse then the domestic violence.. It does not carry the scars or you can't see the scares on the skin but they are there. You just cant see them. Sometimes I think the domestic violence is better than people can see and maybe help but the other is behind close doors and it can't be seen.. You live it all alone and really no one is there to talk to.

But with all I have been through in life I set back now and think about it... God never left me.. I left him and tried to do my own thing. I really made a mess of my life.

Today I am here with two fractures in my spine and I really don't have any thing  .I am in pain everyday. But I have something that money can't buy. I have Jesus in my life.

I left everything behind. My husband told me I had to sell my African Gray Parot. I had him and hand fed him since he was 3 weeks old. I loved him very much. When we moved, he would not let me take him with me. He said there was not room. I cried my eyes out and I still cry when I think about him. He was the only thing that I really loved. My husband told me I could get another one, knowing that I could not afford it. We just moved and we left everything... I don't have anything. But Jesus never left me.. He gave me another place to live. Maybe it is not as nice as what we had but I thank God for it. I came here with nothing.. There has been time when the cupboards was empty. But God always supplied our needs. He has always been there.. I came here with no winter clothes but God is supplying my needs..

He will never leave you. No matter what you are going through God will always be there. No matter what time of day it is God is always there and He is never to busy... All you have to do is call His name and He will never be to busy to listen.

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