The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
Now Playing: Amazing Grace for His grace is amazing.
We are the Sheep of HIS Pasture and I am honored to be in the same
pasture as my friend....Cathy
This is my life and I witnessed it from my own eye's not only as a child but what I had felt inside of one self growing up and being out on my own through other situations in my life and til this very day of my life. Back then I wasn't easy to share with NO ONE at all had to keep secrets and those secrets could end up killing oneself if I didn't have people helping me find every road that I took to get me to Jesus and to set me FREE! This person that your reading before you had come from a very dysfunctional Home as a child. They had came from the same background as I and the rest of my siblings. They been beaten, raped, maimed for life by emotional baggage, physical torture, spiritually bankrupt. They had no morals about themselves or didn't care about another human being for their sanctification to who or what other believed as far as living for Jesus Christ and having them as a true personal relationship and themselves, it didn't ever show in our families lives. Oh, they professed he was but the didn't walk the talk in each own lives. But what they covered up was the pit of hell. We couldn't ever talk about what was going on in our home growing up or to any body whom came near us whom asked. They knew all the people whom was in offices in the states of which it happened at and they had people of which whom took bribes for which they did in other means of doing things in each own lives at the time. They worked for the mobsters and ran guns, whisky stolen cars across state lines, hurting people etc. They had other women running next to them and etc. This is what our family did at them times in that era. This is what I found out in my later years of my family that they had kept secret for so many years. When I had been a child I was not in my natural home but had been given to a lady whom my natural mother sister had met at that time. Of course this was her pattern for my other siblings since she ran the night clubs and opposite sex. Her mother saw one of her men gunned down by a machine gun in front of her and was never the same after that she drank herself to her very death. So; This is what my natural mother grew up with through her years and she had a very hard life. Well as my life started as I remember them young early years of being taken to the house where tons of people where there and having all kinds of kids there and grown up of the sorts. But one time I felt very uncomfortable going there and didn't know why. Nor could I begin to even say the words to what I was feeling but it was there inside of myself, I just remember the feeling of going back home to my foster moms right away. I knew that it was different there for some reason or another but always glad when I did return home. I knew she was my foster mother because she had always told up front and told me things which that I felt were true with us. She had been married but had gotten a divorce because he had found another lady. I had met her while he had taken me to work with him and during a break from the movie house of which he had worked at, I had walked out of there to go next door to find him of which he had said he would be. And he was there and I didn't like what I saw and it hurt me too. I Knew it wasn't so nice after that experience. One day he had left the home with a car full of his things and never returned to moms home again. My mom had cried and of course I tried to help her because I never wanted to see her cry and hurt like she did at that time. But one day she got a different place to live and worked hard for us to have a place to live and have food on our table and she sewed us matching clothes of which I was very proud of and she knitted, and crochet, and emboryied things to make our house a home again. She took me to fun places like the circus, ice capades, zoo. We went to the kiddy rides and things like that. SHE WAS A LOVING MOM and I loved her very much, we often did the house cleaning to together, and laundry and when it came for me and my spanking I knew what I got them for she explained what I had done and why I got my swat then I didn't get to places I wanted to go. I often played with one self because the children didn't seem to want to play with my toys, or become a friend, they often made fun of me because of my crossed eye's that I had. Well I kept to my self and my mom and we were a team! This is my early years that is still precious to me today. God truly gave me a wonder mother as her! But with my natural family was completely the opposite end of the spectrum. They had fights, arguments, throwing things at one another like utensils at one another, and they didn't seem to care what they had in their hands you got it. And I had seen this off and on during the times I lived with my foster mom and I didn't like it there at all. They had arguments like I never heard at my foster moms home, they hit each other, screamed thing's like " cursing badly at one another calling each other names that wasn't fit for anyone to hear not even us kids! They had a houseful of kids and they didn't keep there things good or put up and clothes were around everywhere and they got yelled at for it. Man, that wasn't even like what I was used to at all! I was always remembering how I wanted to go back to moms, and one day I made the fatal mistake saying that where my natural heard me saying that. Man O man did I get the stuffing beat out of me and I'll never forget her words back to me at that time. She raised up and said " You never get any woopins there and your spoiled rotten, you never pick up after your self and here your going to learn that here and I am your mother, and your going to do as I tell you to do or your going to get a whipping with this belt like your other brothers n sister. What I say ,your going to do " You hear me " I heard her alright and what I saw her do wasn't so nice either of what she left on there bodies . I knew one day that I would have to go to that horrible home but I kept it from thinking about till that awful day came when my foster mom said " You have to go back to your real mothers to live for good" I was so upset to leave my home, and I explained this to her and she said that I could come visit her anytime I wanted too. But to me it wasn't the same and it would never be as far as I was concerned. You see when she took me to raise she had burned with hot boiling water and I was burned from the top of my head down to my diapers. And I had to have several skin grafts in different places. I knew and had remember this when I left my natural mothers home the time I got that talk when I had visited her. So this kind of things happened over n over again, when I got older more things began to happen to me with her husband n his family, and I didn't ever under stand why! They weren't nice people like what I had used to at all ! They drank all the time and moms hubby drank in his shed or basement of which he hid it from the others the only way I found out about is when he had me bring him his pop to him . His whole family drank and went to bars, and raced cars, his friends did the same thing as they. His family members loved young children to take advantage of them including his own father. Some of his own brothers where the same as he. The men of the family want to generations of young kids to put there own acts upon them and was told not to tell or we would get killed and it didn't matter how if they male or female. When they got drunk and popped pills they were like animals and looking for there prey, when they got there wife or husbands to leave over an argument and they left .. we were open market for their kill! except we were brutalized by our emotions, and physical well being. i AM NOT GOING TO PUT THE GORY DETAILS OUT HERE FOR NO ONE TO READ! This happened much more than I could stand to bear. This went from them to siblings then for them to watch in sibling to sibling so to speak. The some what only time I got any schooling was a very few, had to mind home while my mom left the home and when he was gone I could get the chores done to get some much needed rest. WHEN MY MOM DID ARRIVE HOME IT WAS GOOD FOR A SHORT TIME then everything started all over again, first with me and the beatings and her slamming down her high heeled shoes on my head, welt makes n bruises, and knots on my head from her being angry from the night before, then him coming home and adding to the fuel again, then the other kids got the belt for some odd reason or another, I often went out side to try to get away from it all acting like I was getting clothes of the line. I was got out of the house at night to get away from this stuff just to have peace and to have some kind of friends which I couldn't have for some reason or another by my mother standards. I did what she didn't do as far as my siblings went to get em up and off to school, and etc. One night I got caught out of the house and got sent to a nut hut of that state and I felt uncomfortable there I just wanted them to send me to my Foster Moms but to No avail. So one day natural mom and her hubby came up to visit with me and the doctor and had a conference after the doctor told em what he felt was wrong. They got me right out of there ! They didn't like him saying it was there fault! So here goes another round of this and one night I still wished I had never done this to this day ! One night I got sick n tired of being what ever to them and I got tired of them yelling at me and beating me and him hurting me during the night, so I hit my natural mother and she rolled from the refridge to the stove to the floor and landed on a case of ole pop bottles which we made of thick glass and she landed on top of them. And I left on a dead run and never went back. When he got home I wasn't staying far away from the house at that time, when a young man I was dating seeing them turn the corner and heading straight for me and pushed me out of the way so they wouldn't run over me with their car. I was shaken and rattled but alright, thanks for my male friend at the time. I soon left the area and didn't never go back , I ate where I could ..like trash dumpster and strangers whom fed me, and stayed in abandoned building. That was pretty much my younger life being picked up by the police and let go to children homes, girls homes. But one day I left and stayed to what I knew from my own family life of bars and drinking parties, drug houses, etc. I had been down the road of lost friends, marriages that went by and loss of children to which people had money and bought there way to being single and to an extent kept my kid. Once I ended in up an Christian sober house and they went behind my back and had one of my hubby's get papers signed to take control and wiped out my parental rights. I had a very hard time people whom loved the lord and this is what was similar to the first child too. ONE WAS THE " Jehovah Witness & Salvation ARMY " twice in my life time. I drank more and didn't care about nothing or no one and went back to the people I knew whom would be my kind of people " Bikers " They had taken me in as always and let me be myself. They knew I had been raped and beaten n molested as a child n raped n almost killed by men and had almost died, they knew I got tired of men at one time, and went with the same sex and had left that too. So I went and became a very harden woman and acted just like em. I rode my sporster, and did what we always do as bikers. Some folks ran from us and were afraid of us , and we laughed em off and other times we fought em too. They came to where I worked and watched over me day n night taking turns making sure I was alright, and if there was trouble they took care of it. This is when I was working the bars at that time, often times they knew when I was going to be at with the people I went with of which they we're not to far away. This was me for as long as I could remember. I ended up in a treatment center in he year of 1985 tired killing myself over the last go around in my life. I went to a woman's halfway house which is closed down today! I got cleaned up and married to a person and got my daughter back after she went through the same things as I but she didn't like her dad any more of what she had been through which I must say I wanted to mame him for life. I was angry for her and wanted her to get the best help for her and I did. It took this lady that I had for a sponsor whom really lived the so called Christian life and I had started noticing it by what she walked n talked in her home n out in her daily life. It make me wonder this : " Maybe what I saw in my younger day's is actually true" so I kept up with her and did may things with her as she did to learn them in my own life for once. Another lady gave me my first bible that she knew called " Recovery Devotional Bible " which I used to this day. It had devotions, prayers, meditations etc. I use it when I work folk's like me whom came from the same background as I whoom is in the programs I attend to this day in helping them find GOD in each owns personal life and then to go the other bibles as they grow in Jesus. Back to where I was! I had been so angry that I had not noticed just how angry I had become because I never really realized it or no one had ever said to me " You need to take a look at this " So; I went to get some out side help and they drugged me out way to much of the quantity of medicines they they were given me at that time. They had given me so much I nearly died at that time, lucky people came and detoxied me off of them naturally I had lost some weight and was down to nothing! My bones were showing at that time. My life had gone to divorce court again ..he moved out and lived with his x-wife, than another lady . I was glad we are no longer together . I had lived by myself for a long time when I met some one else and I moved in with him and eventually we got married. this didn't last very long to say the least... At that time I had starting going to a small church/ cafe in that sm. town and I liked the pastor and His beautiful wife. They gave me one on one bible studies and I was the very sm. few whom came to every church meeting my age. Either they were young children or the elderly. I made a commitment to Jesus in AUG 18,1997 and got saved this very year. I was happy and was telling everyone what I had found in Jesus. Well this hubby didn't care to hear it at all! I drove his car and he drove mine because it was a sports car and he was going to show off with his new found friend... I told him you wreck it you buy me a new one! which I thoroughly meant at that time! Welcome to find out one day I smelled a funny order that I wasn't used to at all! I couldn't figure out what it was! I drove the car up home one weekend and stayed at my daughter home and took the car over to an ole ' friends of mine and they in turned called some one and they told him what it was. When I found out about it I flip out ! I drove my car back and cleaned out my car with spray cleaner n rags, and proceeded to clean my car out of this smell . What I found out was they had made a drug called " Meth" That stuff you would not ever forget that smell for the rest of your life believe me! When I had cleaned out my car it dripped all over me and I had to wipe it up and it soaked into my skin.. I drove back to the town of which I lived and packed up my things and went to stay at a lady friend home until I could get the rest of my things out of their. They wouldn't answer the door until one day the Lord answered my prayers .. one of them was high of that drug and answered the door. this was 5 weeks later and 5 day I got completely gone away from him and my thing's. I was asked to stay in the town and to stay with my friends but I knew if I had stayed I would been in trouble with this man! As I left town driving down to my lady friends home I was nearly ran over my my hubby's semi- truck driving down there, I swerved and kept right one going down the road. By the time I hit her home early the next morning i unpacked my car and proceeded to tell her I was having pains in my right arm. She told me to go to the hospital and have it checked out! To this day I know the Lord had to been driving me to the hospital because I don't know how I got my car parked in the stall the right way or anything or even how I got in that Hospital ! All I know is I visited heaven and it was beautiful and singing and shouting and praising him. The colors were not as if we see on this earth at all! They are angelic and you can see right through em ! I could hear singing , harps, trumpets, shofar, etc! All MY life I wanted to hear my own mother say " I love you " but never heard them words come out of her mouth at all! But I heard the Lord say them words to me that day ! He said to me these words: HE SAID " I will never leave you nor forsake you." IN Heb. 13:5 ; and he said : I am you GOD and I receive you to the glory and I accept you as you are and you are wonderfully made in me ! ( Later after I awoke I looked them up ) I had died on Oct. 27,1997 and was brought back to life again. The pastor I often went to when I went down there came up to see me and his wife at the hospital and they had there bible with them and they gave me the scripture verses and brought up a bible the next time they came up for my visit during my stay there. My daughter was brought down by one of my ex.'s and along with the pastor and his wife said they could hardly under stand me., so I wrote on paper so they could try to make out what I said. By the looks on my daughters face and my ex.'s they were screaming red anger in their eyes and it looked as if they wanted to really hurt some one that day standing in my room. but they never ever uttered a sound of this but what they had shown in their eyes. I had been walking with Jesus to this day. I had been healed of my walking, talking, and using my hands and it's by the power of the holy spirit and what they have done for me! Hallelujah to the King of Kings!
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month