Shat  terd


The hidden half of domestic violence

How to have eternal life

Playing: Amazing Grace for His grace is amazing.
We are the Sheep of HIS Pasture and I am honored to be in the same 
pasture as my friend....Cathy
This is my life and I witnessed it from my own eye's not only as a 
child but what I had felt inside of one self growing up and being out 
on my own through other situations in my life and til this very day 
of my life. Back then I wasn't easy to share with NO ONE at all had 
to keep secrets and those secrets could end up killing oneself if I 
didn't have people helping me find every road that I took to get me 
to Jesus and to set me FREE!                                          
This person that your reading before you had come from a very 
dysfunctional Home as a child.                                        
They had came from the same background as I and the rest  of my 
They been beaten, raped, maimed for life by emotional baggage, 
physical torture, spiritually bankrupt.                                
They had  no  morals about themselves or didn't care about another 
human being for their sanctification to who or what other believed 
as far as living for Jesus Christ and having them as a true personal 
relationship and themselves, it didn't ever show in our families 
lives. Oh, they professed he was but the didn't walk the talk in each 
own lives. But what they covered up was the pit of hell. We couldn't 
ever talk about what was going on in our home growing up or to any 
body whom came near us whom asked. They knew all the people whom was  
in offices in the states of which it happened at and they had people 
of which whom took bribes for which they did in other means of doing 
things in each own lives at the time. They worked for the mobsters 
and ran guns, whisky stolen cars across state lines, hurting people 
etc. They had other women running next to them and etc. This is what 
our family did at them times in that era. This is what I found out in 
my later years of my family that they had  kept secret for so many 
years. When I had been a child I was not in my  natural home but had 
been given to a lady whom my natural mother sister had met at that 
time. Of course this was her pattern for my other siblings since she 
ran the night clubs and opposite sex.                                  
Her mother saw one of her men gunned down by a machine gun in front 
of her and was never the same after that she drank herself to her 
very death.                                                           
So; This is what my natural mother grew up with through her years and 
she had a very hard life.                                             
Well as my life started as I remember them young early years of being 
taken to the house where tons of people where there and having all 
kinds of kids there and grown up of the sorts. But one time I felt 
very uncomfortable going there and didn't know why. Nor could I begin 
to even say the words to what I was feeling but it was there inside 
of myself, I just remember the feeling of going back  home to my 
foster moms right away.                                               
I knew that it was different there for some reason or another but 
always glad when I did return home.                                   
I knew she was my foster mother because she had always told up front 
and told me things which that I felt were true with us.               
She had been married but had gotten a divorce because he had found 
another lady.                                                         
I had met her while he had taken me to work with him and during a 
break from the movie house of which he had worked at, I had walked 
out of there to go  next door to find him of which he had said he 
would be. And he was there and I didn't like what I saw and it hurt 
me too. I Knew it wasn't so nice after that experience.              
One day he had left the home with a car full of his things and never 
returned to moms home again.                                         
My mom had cried and of course I tried to  help her because I never 
wanted to see her cry and hurt like she did at that time. But one day 
she got a different place to live and worked hard for us to have a 
place to live and have food on our table and she sewed us matching 
clothes of which I was very proud of and she knitted, and crochet, 
and emboryied things to make our house a home again.                  
She took me to fun places like the circus, ice capades, zoo.          
We went to the kiddy rides and things like that. SHE WAS A LOVING 
MOM and I loved her very much, we often did the house cleaning to 
together, and laundry and when it came for me and my spanking I knew 
what I got them for she explained what I had done and why I got my 
swat then I didn't get to places I wanted to go.                      
I often played with one self because the children didn't seem to want 
to play with my toys, or become a friend, they often made fun of me 
because of my crossed eye's that I had.                               
Well I kept to my self and my mom and we were a team!                 
This is my early years that is still precious to me today.            
God truly gave me a wonder mother as her!                             
But with my natural family was completely the opposite end of the 
They had fights, arguments, throwing things at one another like 
utensils at one another, and they didn't seem to care what they  had 
in their hands you got it.                                            
And I had seen this off and on during the times I lived with my 
foster mom and I didn't like it there at all.                         
They had arguments like I never heard at my foster moms home, they hit 
each other, screamed thing's like " cursing badly at one another 
calling each other  names that wasn't fit for anyone to hear not even 
us  kids!                                                             
They had a houseful of kids and they didn't keep there things good or 
put up and clothes were around everywhere and they got yelled at for 
it. Man, that wasn't even like what I was  used to at all!            
I was always remembering how I wanted to go back to moms, and one day 
I made the fatal mistake saying that where my natural heard me saying 
that. Man O man did I get the stuffing beat out of me and I'll never 
forget her words back to me at that time.                             
She raised up and said " You never get any woopins there and your 
spoiled rotten, you never pick up after your self and here your going 
to learn that here and I am your mother, and your going to do as I 
tell you to do or your going to get a whipping with this belt like 
your other brothers n sister.                                         
What I say ,your going to do " You hear me "                          
I heard her alright and what I saw her do wasn't so nice either of 
what she left on there bodies .                                       
I knew one day that I would have to go to that horrible home but I 
kept it from thinking about till that awful day came when my foster 
mom said " You have to go back to your real  mothers to live for 
good" I was so upset to leave my home, and I explained this to her 
and she said that I could come visit her anytime I wanted too. But to 
me it wasn't the same and it would  never be as far as I was 
You see when she took me to raise she had burned with hot boiling 
water and I was burned from the top of my head down to my diapers. 
And I had to  have several skin grafts in different places. I knew 
and had remember this when I left my natural mothers home the time I 
got that talk when I had visited her.                                 
So this kind of things happened  over n over again, when I got older  
more things began to happen to me with her husband n his family, and 
I didn't ever under stand why!                                        
They weren't nice people like what I had used to at all !             
They drank all the time and moms hubby drank in his shed or basement 
of which he hid it from the others the only way I found out about is 
when he had me bring him his pop to him .                             
His whole family drank and went to bars, and raced cars, his friends 
did the same thing as they.                                          
His family members loved  young children to take advantage of them 
including his own father.                                            
Some of his own brothers where the same as he.                       
The  men of the family want to generations of young kids to put there 
own acts upon them and was told not to tell or we would get killed 
and it didn't matter how if they male or female.                     
When they got drunk and popped pills they were like animals and 
looking for there prey, when they got there wife or husbands to leave 
over an argument and they left .. we were open market for their  kill! 
except we were brutalized by our emotions, and physical well being.   
This happened much  more than I could stand to bear.                 
This went from them to siblings then for them to watch in sibling to 
sibling so to speak.                                                  
The some what only time I got any schooling was a very few, had to 
mind home while my mom left the home and when he was gone I could get 
the chores done to get some much needed rest.                         
everything started all over again, first with me and the beatings and 
her slamming down her high heeled shoes on my head, welt makes n 
bruises, and knots on my head from her being angry from the night 
before, then him coming home and adding to the fuel again, then the 
other kids got the belt for some odd reason or another, I often went 
out side to try to get away from it all acting like I was getting 
clothes of the line.                                                  
I was got out of the house at  night to get away from this stuff just 
to have peace and to have some kind of friends which I couldn't have 
for some reason or another by my mother standards.                    
I did what she didn't do as far as my siblings went to get em up and 
off to school, and etc.                                               
One night I got caught out of the house and got sent to a nut hut of 
that state and I felt uncomfortable there I just wanted them to send 
me to my Foster Moms but to No avail.                                  
So one day natural mom and her hubby came up to visit with me and the 
doctor and had a conference after the doctor told em what he felt was 
wrong. They got  me right out of there ! They didn't like him saying 
it was there fault!                                                   
So here goes another round of this and one  night I still wished I 
had  never done this to this day ! One night I got sick n tired of 
being what ever to them and I got tired of them yelling at me and 
beating me and him hurting me during  the night, so I hit my natural 
mother and she rolled from the refridge to the stove to the floor and 
landed on a case of ole pop bottles which we made of thick glass and 
she landed on top of them. And I left on a dead run and never went 
back. When he got  home I wasn't staying far away from the house at 
that time, when a young man I was dating seeing them turn the corner 
and heading straight for me and pushed me out of the way so they 
wouldn't run over me with their car.                                  
I was shaken and rattled but alright, thanks for my male friend at 
the time. I soon left the area and didn't never go back , I ate where 
I could trash dumpster and strangers whom fed  me, and stayed 
in abandoned  building.                                                   
That was pretty  much my younger life being picked up by the  police 
and let go to children homes, girls homes. But one day I left and 
stayed to what I knew from my own family  life of bars and drinking 
parties, drug houses, etc. I had been down the road of lost friends, 
marriages that went by and loss of children to which people had money 
and bought there way to being single and to an extent kept my kid.  
Once I ended in up an Christian sober house and they went behind my 
back and had one of my hubby's get papers signed to take control and 
wiped out  my parental rights. I had a very hard time people whom 
loved the lord and this is what was similar to the first child too. 
ONE WAS THE " Jehovah Witness & Salvation ARMY " twice in my life 
I drank more and didn't care about nothing or no one and went back to 
the people I  knew whom would be my kind of people " Bikers " They 
had taken me in as always and  let me be myself. They knew I had 
been raped and beaten n  molested as a child n raped n almost killed 
by men and had almost died, they knew I got tired of men at one time, 
and went with the same sex and had left that too.                    
So I went and became a very harden woman and acted just like em.      
I rode my sporster, and did what we always do as bikers.             
Some folks ran from us and were afraid of us , and we laughed em off 
and other times we fought em too.                                     
They came to where I worked and watched over  me day n night taking 
turns making sure I was alright, and if there was trouble they took 
care of it. This is when I was working the bars at that time, often 
times they knew when I was going to be at with the people I went with 
of which they we're not to far away. This was  me for as long as I 
could remember.                                                       
I ended up in a treatment center in he year of 1985 tired  killing 
myself over the last go around in my life. I went to a woman's 
halfway house which is closed down today!                             
I  got cleaned up and married to a person and got my daughter back 
after she went through the same things as I but she didn't like her 
dad any more of what she had been through which I must say I wanted 
to  mame him for life. I was angry for her and wanted her to get the 
best help for her and I did.                                          
It took this lady that I had for a sponsor whom really lived the so 
called Christian life and I had started noticing it by what she 
walked n talked in her home n  out in her daily life. It make me 
wonder this : " Maybe what I saw in my younger day's is actually 
true" so I kept up with her and did may things with her as she did to 
learn them in my own life for once.                                   
Another lady gave me my first bible that she knew called " Recovery 
Devotional Bible " which I used to this day. It had devotions, 
prayers, meditations etc.                                             
I use it when I work folk's  like me whom came from the same 
background as I whoom is in the programs I attend to this day in 
helping them find GOD in each owns personal life and then to go the 
other bibles as they grow in Jesus.                                   
Back to where I was!                                                   
I had been so angry that I had not noticed just how angry I had 
become because I never really realized it or  no one had ever said to 
me " You  need to take a look at this "                               
So; I went to get some out side help and they drugged me out way to 
much of the quantity of medicines they they were given me at that 
time. They had given me so much I  nearly died at that time, lucky 
people came and detoxied me off of them naturally I had  lost some 
weight and was down to nothing!                                       
My bones were showing at that time.                                   
My life had gone to divorce court again ..he  moved out and lived 
with his x-wife, than another  lady . I was glad we are no longer 
together . I had lived by myself for a long time when I met some one 
else and I moved in with him and eventually we got married. this 
didn't last very long to say the least... At that time I  had 
starting going to a small church/ cafe in that sm. town and I liked 
the pastor and His beautiful wife.                                    
They gave me one on one bible studies and I was the very sm. few whom 
came to every church meeting my age.                                  
Either they were young children or the elderly.                       
I made a commitment to Jesus in AUG 18,1997 and got saved this very 
year. I was happy and was telling everyone what I had found in Jesus. 
Well this hubby didn't care to hear it at all!                        
I drove his car and he drove mine because it was a sports car and he 
was going to  show off with his new found friend... I told him you 
wreck it you buy me a new one! which I thoroughly meant at that time!  
Welcome to find out one day I smelled a funny order that I wasn't 
used to at all! I couldn't figure out what it was! I drove the car up 
home one weekend and stayed at my daughter home and took the car over 
to an ole ' friends of mine and they in turned called some one and 
they told  him what it was. When I found out about it I flip out !    
I drove my car back and cleaned out my car with spray cleaner n 
rags, and proceeded to clean my car out of this smell . What I found 
out was they  had made a drug called " Meth"                          
That stuff you would not ever forget that smell for the rest of your 
life believe me!                                                      
When I had cleaned  out my car it dripped all over me and I had to 
wipe it up and it soaked into my skin..                               
I drove back to the town of which I lived and packed up my things and 
went to stay at a  lady friend home until I could get the rest of my 
things out of their. They wouldn't answer the door until one day the 
Lord answered my prayers .. one of them was high of that drug and 
answered the door. this was 5 weeks later and 5 day I got completely 
gone away from him and my thing's.                                    
I was asked to stay in the town and to stay with my friends but I 
knew if I had stayed I would been in trouble with this man!           
As I left town driving down to my lady friends home I was nearly ran 
over my my hubby's semi- truck driving down there, I swerved and kept 
right one going down the road. By the time I  hit her home early the 
next morning i unpacked my car and proceeded to tell her I was having 
pains in my right arm. She told me to go to the hospital and have it 
checked out! To this day I  know the Lord had to been driving me to 
the hospital because I don't know how I got my car parked in the 
stall the right way or anything or even how I got in that Hospital !  
All I  know is I visited heaven and it was beautiful and singing and 
shouting and praising him. The colors were not as if we see on this 
earth at all!                                                         
They are angelic and you can see right through em !                   
I could hear singing , harps, trumpets, shofar, etc!                  
All MY life I wanted to hear my own mother say " I  love  you " but 
never heard them words come out of her mouth at all! But I heard the 
Lord say them words to me that day !                                  
He said to me these words:  HE SAID " I will never leave  you  nor 
forsake you." IN Heb. 13:5  ; and he said : I am you GOD and I 
receive you to the glory  and I accept you as you are and you are 
wonderfully made in me !   ( Later after I awoke I looked them up )   
I had died on Oct. 27,1997 and was brought back to life again.        
The pastor I often went to when I went down there came up to see me 
and his wife at the hospital and they had there bible with them and 
they gave me the scripture verses and brought up a bible the next 
time they came up for my visit during my stay there.                  
My daughter was brought down by one of  my ex.'s and along with the 
pastor and his wife said they could hardly under stand me., so I 
wrote on paper so they could try to make out what I said. By the 
looks on my daughters face and my ex.'s they were screaming red anger  
in their eyes and it looked as if they wanted to really hurt some one 
that day standing in my room. but they  never ever uttered a sound of 
this but what they had shown in their eyes.                           
I had been walking with Jesus to this day. I had been healed of my 
walking, talking, and using my hands and it's by the power of the 
holy spirit and what they  have done for me! Hallelujah to the King 
of Kings!

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