The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
I have had several request to address the control issue
in abuse. Please consider that the following can be directed at either gender BY
either gender. ABUSE WORKS BOTH WAYS
Control and abuse (destructive)
Using coercion and threats
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
- threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
- making him drop charges
- making him do illegal things
- making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying his property
- abusing pets
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
Using economic abuse
- preventing him from getting or keeping a job
- making him ask for money
- giving him an allowance
- taking his money
- not letting him know about or have access to family income
Using emotional abuse
- putting him down
- making him feel bad about himself
- calling him names
- making him think he's crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating him
- making him feel guilty
Using gender privilege
- treating him like a servant
- making all the big decisions
- acting like the 'mistress of the house'
- being the one to define male and female roles
- controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads,
where he goes
- limiting his outside involvement
- using jealousy to justify actions
- making him feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass him
- threatening to take the children
Minimizing, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it
- saying the abuse didn't happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
- saying he caused it
Negotiation and fairness
- seeking mutually satisfying
resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
- talking and acting so that he feels
safe and comfortable expressing
himself and doing things
- making money decisions together
- making sure both partners benefit
from financial arrangements
- listening to him non-judgmentally
- being emotionally affirming and
- mutually agreeing on a fair
distribution of work
- making family decisions together
Trust and support
- supporting his goals in life
- respecting his right to his own
feelings, friends, activities and
- sharing parental responsibilities
- being a positive non-violent role
model for the children
Honesty and accountability
- accepting responsibility for self
- acknowledging past use of violence
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
Note: adapted from the original Duluth Wheel by laying out the text out in a tabular
rather than circular format, and inverting gender-specific language.
to return to the article on the gender-polarization of the Duluth model. to see the original,
gender-polarizing "Duluth Model" Power and Control Wheel.
In dealing with abusive issues we see that one major
aspect of abuse is CONTROL the abuser has to feel as if he/she is in control.
One of the major ways "control" is established is by MANIPULATION.
Webster (no, not the little kid on the show) says Manipulation is to manage or control artfully or by shrewd use of influence often in an unfair or fraudulent way.
How do we manipulate others especially ourselves.
A wife does it by several means. Crying can often be a form of it. If a woman knows "tears" will get her what she wants, she can often turn them on as easy as we turn on a facet. One problem men have is that tears often show real pain which we need to respond to. This aspect is taken advantage of and it is this part that makes tears unfair when used to get one's way.
Another way is the use of affection. We have seen cartoons that show the husband in the doghouse or locked out of the bedroom. We know in that case any sexual needs a husband has will not be met and more likely for several days. This manipulation is often used to get our own way too.
Children can be used. A husband can be told he does not know how to deal with the children and thus a wife can have her way of child rearing. It is very often not a Biblical means when this occurs. God has given us each different ways of rearing children and it is BOTH together that balances it out. Sort of like being on a teeter-totter over a pool of sharks...would you want all the weight on YOUR side? Or would you want to balance that board out so it is even...remember, we may be tempted to want to have all the weight on the other end but when the sharks have had dinner on that side...then all the weight is on OUR side and guess who the next meal will be....
Folks satan is the shark and the board is God's ordained way of interacting with each other)
Another major way of manipulation is the "D" word. How often do we use the threat of divorce to get our way? We know they are the big guns so they often work.
Another last ditch means of manipulation used and often it is used to "get even” with one is false accusations. Often a person is accused of molesting a child or of domestic violence as a trump card when we feel the marriage is already on the rocks. It is used to assure us of getting the best possible results if a divorce does occur. In most areas restraining orders can be obtained without any proof of need... these too are major forms of manipulation...
However please hear this...often these are really
needed. I am not denying that there is real abuse, that some of this really
occurs, but when it is not occurring and we use it...that is manipulation for us
to get CONTROL
OK ladies...I know what you are thinking....and now it is the men's turn.
In order to be fair...I did ask my wife this question. Her answer was that men could manipulate their wife in the same way as women do their husband. So men...go back and read all of what was said above...it applies to US too... we can withhold affection...especially touching, which often is so important to women. Women need a special touch several times each day...a hug, a quick kiss; Men need to hear that we are appreciated. (Actually it is nice for each of these to go both ways)
Other forms of manipulation is to need to know everything...to read mail, to know everything the other person does, including often listening on phone calls and I have seen in other forums where a spouse has joined the same forums as the other to monitor them.
On the other hand, it is also a form of control and manipulation to tell our spouse NOTHING. To not include them on what we are doing. When we keep secrets from our spouse we do cause problems that will tend to make them want to know everything we are up to.
Money is a form. Not to be open and honest about the budget...to spend more then we should yet holler like a banjee jet if asked about our spending. To set one standard for ourselves and another for our spouse. To withhold money that is needed or to expect funds that just are not there such as women needing that new hair do when funds are not there...or men wanting that new "toy" that we just can not afford.
There are other ways to manipulate.... These certainly are not all inclusive and I ask each of you for YOUR input... and this is not to say it is happening with you but I do value the input from each person. Please remember also.... I do not have all the answers. It is my deepest desire to stop all the abuse each of you may be experiencing even today. Perhaps by understanding it a little better, we may be able to stop some of it.
Remember control, manipulation and abuse works both ways. We often do it to each other!
Manipulation is to manage or control artfully or by
shrewd use of influence often in an unfair or
It resulted in the downfall of mankind.
1 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had
made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the
2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye
shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the
eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and
gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Often when asked, we would say the first sin was eating the forbidden fruit but is it the 'first'
sin? All sin comes from three root causes:
1 John 2:16
For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is
not of the Father, but is of the world.
We look, we see, we want and we take...it all centers on our own selfish wants and desires.
Manipulation is the same thing. I contend that perhaps the first sin was PRIDE.. pride that was ACTED upon resulting in eating the forbidden fruit. (see verse 5 in Gen above) Adam and Eve wanted to be like God...and is not this the same thing that caused satan's downfall? (Isaiah 14:12-14) satan wanted to be as God. We are told that to think about a sin is the same as doing it in the Lord's sight but we know that it is dwelling on it that is sin...not the fleeting thought of it...
Why is this? Is it not that we are told that as a man thinketh in his heart so he is? Our thoughts do become actions if we think about it long enough. That is why Romans 12:1,2 tells us that it is by the renewing of our MIND or changing the way we THINK... that makes us a living sacrifice wholly acceptable to God.
So if PRIDE is the root of sin...the and the root of manipulation and control.. what is the cure?
To determine this, let's first of all determine just what pride is. We know it is one of the so
called deadly sin but in reality any sin is deadly. Sin has caused us to need a redeemer. It
matters not which sin we did as all sin has resulted in the death penalty for the sinner.
PRIDE...a) an unduly high opinion of oneself; exaggerated self esteem; conceit b) haughty
behavior resulting from this; arrogance
Ahh this reminds me of: Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit
before a fall.
Is not this what happened in heaven when a third of the angles fell? Is it not what happened in the garden? Is it not what far too often happens to US?
Sin has causes every area of human relationships to be defiled. Marriage is one of the main
ones. We have all heard of the "battle of the sexes" It is not a resent onset...it has been going on since man was cast out of the garden. When God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband and her husband would rule over her...the war was on. You see, "desire' does not mean that she wants to do what he wants...have heard some say the Hebrew indicates that she would want to rule him....(the first feminist movement?)
If pride is "an unduly high opinion of
oneself" we need only to remember Romans 12:3 tells us:
For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of
himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.
satan plays this trick both ways...this verse tells us to not think more highly of ourselves then we should...this indicates that we are suppose to have good self esteem, but not more then we
should yet satan often tells us that any self esteem is pride and we then go the other way and
debase ourselves, thinking we are worthless and no good. Both extremes are wrong. That is
why it is so important to keep a balance in our walk with God.
In domestic affairs so often one "allows" manipulation because he/she feels worthless and often because they are told they are so often that they start to believe it. On the other hand, often the other person tells them they are because they have serious self -esteem problems themselves so they overcompensate by thinking more highly of themselves then they should. satan does play every low down dirty trick in the book and that is why we need to KNOW the Word of God so that these tricks will not work.
When we seek to manipulate others it is often based on PRIDE. What is the opposite of
pride? Would it not be humility the state of being humble?
Humble: having or showing a consciousness of one's shortcomings; not proud; not
So then, what does the BIBLE tell us about this...thus about manipulation since it is based on
18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
19 Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.
20 He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is
14 And shall say, Cast ye up, cast ye up, prepare the way, take up the stumblingblock out of
the way of my people.
15 For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
16 For I will not contend for ever, neither will I be always wroth: for the spirit should fail before me, and the souls which I have made.
(you want the Lord's blessing in your life? Be humble)
9 Have ye forgotten the wickedness of your fathers, and the wickedness of the kings of Judah,
and the wickedness of their wives, and your own wickedness, and the wickedness of your
wives, which they have committed in the land of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem?
10 They are not humbled even unto this day, neither have they feared, nor walked in my law,
nor in my statutes, that I set before you and before your fathers.
11 Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will set my face against you for evil, and to cut off all Judah
11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.
13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven
against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in.
5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
1 Peter 5
4 And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not
5 Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to
another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the
6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due
We now have the problem. What then is the solution? Is it not hard to humble ourselves? Is it not true that when we think we have obtained humility we no longer have it? Sort of like saying I am humble and proud of it? Since pride (I am not referring to self esteem) but pride...a false opinion of one's self is SIN... would not the use of 1 John 1:9 be in order. Remember however that if we go the other way to far...if we debase ourselves too much and feel we are no good to anyone...THAT is SIN too so back to this verse:
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
The BEST cure for my pride is found in:
5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every
10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth,
and things under the earth;
11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the
My friend...do your knees bow to the Lord in humble adoration? to confess that HE is LORD
and to TRUST HIM for your salvation if you have not done so already? Someday EVERY
knee SHALL BOW...do it today while it is YOUR CHOICE.
We are here to help you...but more important, the LORD is always only a prayer away!
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month