The hidden half of domestic violence
How to have eternal life
An Abused Pastor Speaks Out
Now Playing: Amazing Grace for His grace is amazing.
It is time to express what I have never uttered to a human ear. Abuse before birth. May I tell you a story? In 1941 a young girl, perhaps 15 or so, became pregnant by her boy friend, who was, perhaps 17. They wanted to married but the girl's father was so angered at the transgression of his daughter, forbad them seeing each other again. He placed the sinful daughter under house arrest. The girl-mother gave birth to a boy. The girl-mother was so distressed that she grieved herself to death. The Grandfather took the fresh born baby boy in one hand and a shot-gun in the other and visited the boy-father. "Take this bastard sin child and never darken my door" was the message given to the boy-father. He was not allowed to visit or say good-bye to the girl-mother. The boy-father was totally unprepared to meet the needs of a baby. He remembered his cousin who was married and had been praying for 8 years for a child. She was barren and wanted God to give her a son. The boy-father presented the baby, now 8 days old to his cousin. He promised never to intrude into the life of the child. The baby was adopted and given a home, with what was his second cousin. The new mother was delighted and presented the child back to God in prayer and dedication. She was an old-fashioned Pentecostal praying lady with little formal education. But she had a deep passion for the things of God. She had married a very gentle tender man who was a baker by trade.
I must break into the story to assure you that the story is true. As you may have guessed, I was that "bastard sin child". I did not know these details until after my 40th birthday. My aunt finally gave me the story after convincing her that I wanted to know as much as possible. When I learned these facts, I became aware of the deep inner yearnings that had always pulled at me. My unvoiced concern of having a home, of belonging, of always feeling a sense of "not exactly there"...the emotional abuse given to my girl-mother was the womb-food offered during my growth and development. The tears and heartache of a child facing the anger and wrath of a "Father who could not forgive, became the watery envirnoment of my growth. Who can know the horrors that this girl-mother felt as she was daily subjected to the punishment of her father for her grave sin? I can tell you who....those young girls that are experiencing it today. If you are a parent or grandparent who is facing the same situation with a child of yours. think twice about your attitude toward that child. What would Jesus do? He would not have joined the Grandfather's trip to the boy-father. But I must continue on..with the story.
With your permission, I will switch the story to personal tense, and try not to use "I" too often. My life was blessed by good parents. they were prepared by the Father, of that, I have no doubt. My first abuse was the treatment given to my natural mother..before my birth. I had never considered that...until recently. My Mother became totally devoted to me. As I look back, I realize that in a sense, she divorced her husband and devoted herself to me. I do not offer this as unkind remarks...merely factual comments after years of reflection.
She made sure that I knew about Jesus, involved in church..and she was elated when I accepted Christ at a very young age. I must tell you, that I can never remember a time when I did not know that I was Called by God. I had two visions at the age of 8, which are still vivid today, 52 years later. I started preaching at age 8 and became the focus of Mom's and the church's attention. Mom was dominate in the home. Dad was a quiet man and did not totally understand my calling or ministry involvement. He was not a Christian at this time...but a very moral person. My life was shaped, molded and dictated by the church and by dominate women....our Pastor was a weak man, and his wife ruled the church and the pulpit. I was licensed to preach by the Asseblies of God as one of the youngest preacher in the state. I became very active, during my school years, i held revivals, had a tent. the whole picture. i was the preacher boy in school. I do not mention the name of the church for any reason other than historical reference. I grew up with all the spiritual mottos, 'Prayer together stay together" "Christian never get mad" You get the picture. these are lovely to hang on the wall...but they require honest effort by both parties to be true. I married a girl-preacher...who was dominate and did not want to really marry me. Be careful how you use the power of the mind...you can make what you want happen. For over 14 years as my ministry was growing, the home life was a warzone. We had two sons. My ex-wife grew up with three brothers and was a fighter. I had never expressed a personal opinion in my life..but was a master at mirroring what you wanted. I now know that I made life hard for her because i never said no to her. I tried to give her any and everything that she wanted. It is enough to say that it was not uncommon for me to go from being kicked, hit or spit on to the pulpit to preach and have the pastor's wife in the front row 'praying" that I would make a fool of myself. Divorce came, I became no longer worthy to the church I had grown up with....and after my ex- got a possible terminal disease she legally removed my rights as a parents and my sons told me that they hoped I would be killed by a truck. God used pain to teach me that my harsh, legalistic preaching was harmful. My priority was wrong. I literally thought that the church was the most important thing in the world. NOT SO. I can do a seminar on that issue.
I remained single for many years. I left the organized church and became a "tent-maker" as Paul. Was a stockbroker, Insurance, Public School teacher, social worker, Nursing home administrator as I continued my spiritual walk never losing my vision...but undergoing a reshaping. In 1986 , out of the will of God, I married a RN nurse, short version..we had a daughter. when the daughter was 6 months old, I had to leave home as wife was involved with a Lesbian and needed time to decide whether she wanted to be married or not. I waited 8 years for her to decide..finally divorced. Have been alone for 13 years...my spiritual life has enriched and deepened. I was annointed/ordained as Priest to God, Bishop to the visible ministry, Holy Spirit Orthodox Ministry, (my name) and Bishop-at-Large to the Body of Christ. I have never shared all my story...never had anyone interested. God has given me a deep concern for the marriages of the clergy, and the lack of practical teaching given by the church, so often. I made choices, and I paid the price of those choices. I don't complain about that, and I don't blame God...I just regret that too often decisions are made because of "lack of knowledge" and people are unkindly judged. I am very much a Bible believing, Spirit-filled believer...but now understand that it is the compassion and love of Jesus that people need.I relate more to Jerimiah, the weeping prophet. Bottom line, God is always in control...even in terrible situations. We make bad decisions...He can work them for good...or gives us the grace to endure. He always forgets the past..never brings it up against us. We need to review the past, learn, make corrections..then close the book. Blessings,(fewer tears) from The Bishop
I am motivated by the teaching, Ye Have Not Because Ye Ask Not. If you read my story, I thank you and trust the Holy Spirit to accomplish good with it. I need prayer and guidance. The last four years I have felt that God wanted me to leave "tent-making" and return to active ministry. I have been waiting for doors to open and still trying to support myself. I am now without funds, had to ask a minister for money to buy food last week, a new experience for me, and two weeks away from being homeless, as no rent money.
Not whining, just stating facts. I have made some bad choices, have been very generous to others and not wise toward myself. I have had to fight sheer fear of being 60 years old, no home, no money and no income and two years aways from my small social security.
God is my source. I need your prayers for open doors. Also, if you know of a church, group, christian organization that is looking for a Pastor, Minister of Education, teacher, (have Oklahoma teaching certificate speech-drama), marriage and family Minister....or interested in conference, workshop. I would be grateful.
I know God has a field for me to labor in, and I am now asking. Can relocate anywhere, immediately have no ties. I have tried many doors and nothing opens, even with a fairly high education...so I feel God has something for me. You may contact Ken for more personal information, as I am for real and serious. Don't mind sharing my address for email email@example.com
Thank you and I still remain firm, that no trouble can come between us and the Lord..as Job said, "Tho God slay me, yet still will I trust Him". As a sidenote, I may be 60, but in good health, take no medicine for any reason, and still look younger than my years.
I am so blessed. Just in the past few weeks, I have been provided, by the company, a newer apartment without the disrespair of the last one. A very lovely 2 bedroom that is home now. The Lord has opened the door for me to have my necessary eye surgery to remove my cataracts. I was accepted by the Commission for the Blind. I will be starting back to substitute teaching in two weeks...so the Lord has provided the necessary relief. I will have sufficient income for my lifestyle...and the time to continue my personal ministry and availability for whatever the Lord wants me to do. I can see the next 30 days giving me the opportunity to be back on a positive track. The Lord is faithful and provides exactly what we need...just at the time we need it.
I am just thankful for this return to a "normal" lifestyle...(whatever that means). Blessings. From The Bishop
No day is complete without learning,so may each day be a new experience in learning for you. Learn from the past and then forget it. What we learn should control us and not what happened in the past. God forgets..So should we! Have a good day. The Bishop
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JUNE is Domestic Violence Against Men Awareness Month